A Marriage Triangle

Marriage was meant to be an unbroken circle, but when it is broken, it can become a triangle. The intimacy of marriage is compromised when one partner brings in a child and divulges secrets belonging only to the couple. Besides the harm done to the child—it diminishes the bond between the spouses. Then there are those emotional affairs where one spouse shares intimate conversations about his or her marriage with someone else. This too is a triangle, and it is harmful and deadly. It will destroy a marriage in short order.

In Genesis chapter 16, there is a marriage triangle with Abram, Sarai, and Hagar. This story vividly highlights the emotions of rejection, anger, jealousy, loneliness, which results in deep hurt for all the parties. This story is real life stuff. It is what happens in marriages and families today with frequency.

After Sarai and Abram had been waiting for the promise of a son for ten years, Sarai grew impatient. She was overcome with fear—fearing she would be barren her whole life. To be barren in Biblical times was considered a horrible tragedy. Sarai blamed herself and God for her condition. Her humiliation was unbearable. She consequently, decided to use her servant girl Hagar as a surrogate mother (Gen 16:1-16). Sarai’s solution was justifiable and acceptable in the culture of the day, but not to God.

I have watched the story of the Three Little Pigs at least 500 times with my little grandchildren. When the wolf climbs up on the roof and decides to enter the brick house through the chimney since he cannot get in the house—I say, “Bad idea Mr. Wolf!” This is a bad idea, Sarai from the start.

Today it has become culturally acceptable for young people to be sexually active before marriage. Our culture says yes, but God’s Word says no. Why is that? Does God want to deprive young people of pleasure and enjoyment? No, it is because young people are not mature enough to handle the emotional fall out of being intimately connected and do not know how to stay connected. Consequently, they go from one relationship to another, and many young people fall into depression and anxiety, unable to handle the feelings of rejection.

Sarai’s choice was wrong because it went against everything and everyone. It robbed her of her intimacy with her husband and introduced even more shame into her life. Her attempt to help God out only brought more pain to her and her family. Abram, however, abdicated his leadership as a godly husband when he accepted the offer. God had spoken to him on several occasions and confirmed his promise to him. He could have assured Sarai that God will come through if we remain patient, but he did not do this. Instead, he was passive, and he contributed to the dysfunction that only grew worse with time.

If you are contemplating how you could expedite your happiness and fulfill your own dreams. It seems God has forgotten you, and therefore, you will have to take matters into your own hands. Think before you act and do not abandon God’s promises—wait for them. If you act out of a deficit of faith, you will live to regret it all your life. Sin has far-reaching consequences.

If you are married, nothing is more sacred than the bond that exists between the two of you. Always keep your promises to each other. Always apologize and own your mistakes and reclaim quickly any ground that is lost to bad decisions. Always protect the bond between you and make sure it remains an unbroken circle. Always guard against any intruders who would make your relationship a triangle.

Love Is Patient

Love has many facets, as the Love Chapter of 1 Corinthians explains. One of the most important ones is patience. The old English translation of patience is long-suffering. It is not easy to listen to someone who is angry, resentful, or hurt. To do so requires a great deal of patience or suffering. We have to be disciplined enough to not be provoked and at the same time, not be quick to react in defensive behavior. Our usual reaction is to fight back if we feel attacked, which only escalates the conflict. We are talking about the ability to withstand frustration with the point of listening to someone who is just as flawed and messed up as we are. Long-suffering or forbearance invites God into the situation, and it lessens the resentment or anger.

Solomon said, “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools” (Eccl 7:9). Only a fool is defensive; he will not hear the matter out. Only a fool will respond with accusations before really listening to the other person. When there is a deficit of patience and long-suffering, there will be an abundance of unresolved conflict. Solomon also said, “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride” (Eccl 7:8). Resolving a matter is better than quitting in the middle with both people extremely upset. We will all experience conflict, but we do not all know how to resolve it.

Exposure to unresolved conflict hinders a child’s normal growth patterns and increases their defensiveness. Unfortunately, children are growing up in homes where they witness unresolved conflict between their parents regularly. They internalize this chaos or act it out. Many of them experience social anxiety and even depression or anger, and as a result they live with confusion.

We see mass shootings, and we wonder what is causing this. The answer lies in the confusion that exists in the child and adolescents. This confusion has serious implications when they are adults. Many children are living in a chaos of unresolved conflict because their parents are living that way. They learn the same negative patterns of communication and possess the same inability to listen and resolve their disputes with others.

Deescalating an argument and later resolving the differences that initiated the disagreement are learned skills. These skills do not come easily, especially if the model we grew up with was one of unresolved conflict. What helps us is to learn to ask ourselves, “What can I do to resolve this?” We need to listen and hear what our husband or wife is really saying. We need to take responsibility for our mistakes. We need to apologize and ask for forgiveness. We need to keep working on our attitudes.

There has been and continues to be way too much permissive parenting where kids are raising themselves. There is little modeling of emotional control and teaching of right and wrong. Kids are growing up without a sense of morality and little patience with others. They have not been taught and have no idea how to listen to another person and try to resolve their differences. This is one of the reasons we are seeing so many problems in our culture today.