Reactive vs. Responsive

Impulsive, thoughtless, careless, yelling, screaming, name calling, avoidance behavior, anger, resentment, irritation, anxiety, stressful and uncontrolled are words that belong to reactive thinking. Words that describe responsive thinking are deliberate, thoughtful, creative, careful, intelligent, responsible, peaceful and controlled. These two very opposite ways of thinking get started very early in our thinking and continue all the way through our lives. Reactive thinking contributes to dysfunctional behavioral patterns that perpetuate stress and anxiety. On the other hand, responsive thinking contributes to optimum behavioral patterns that promote peaceful and enjoyable relationships.

An episode from David’s life demonstrates both patterns. David and his men are in the Desert of Maon, and while they are there, they provide protection for the shepherds of a wealthy man named Nabal. It was not uncommon for attacking tribes to attack and take what they wanted from a herd. This, however, had not happened on David’s watch. Since David and his men provided this service, they expected to be recompensed in some way. That’s why David sent his men to Nabal.

Nabal’s foolish, reactive response is one of resentment: When David's men arrived, they gave Nabal this message in David's name. Then they waited. Nabal answered David's servants, "Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men coming from who knows where?" (1 Sam 25:9)

David also demonstrates reactive thinking with his anger: David's men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word. David said to his men, "Put on your swords!" So they put on their swords, and David put on his. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with the supplies (1 Sam 25:12).

This is the same man who recently had the chance to kill Saul, but refused to do so. He demonstrated enormous patience and self-control, even persuading his men of the rightness of his actions. However, now look at David as he is in reactive mode.

Alan Redpath writes about this moment:

David! David! What is wrong with you? Why, one of the most wonderful things we have learned about you recently is your patience with Saul. You learned to wait upon the Lord, you refused to lift you hand to touch the Lord’s anointed, although he had been your enemy for so many years. But now, look at you! Your self-restraint has gone to pieces and a few insulting words from a fool of a man like Nabal has made you see red! David, what’s the matter? “I am justified in doing this,” David would reply. “There is no reason why Nabal should treat me as he has. He has repaid all my kindness with insults. I will show him he can’t trifle with me. It is one thing to take it from Saul, who is my superior at this point, but this sort of man—this highhanded individual must be taught a lesson!”^[i]

Abigail, Nabal’s wife, is, however, responsive in her thinking. She quickly prepares to go and meet with David before tragedy strikes. She takes food and drink as gifts for David’s men. She is calm and thoughtful in her actions. It is completely the opposite of what David is doing at this moment. There is no thinking going on with David—he is like a ricocheted bullet that is bouncing off objects. He is in total reactionary mode and not thinking about his decisions. If David proceeds, he will act in his temporary insanity, and then after all is over, he will come to see what he has done, and only then will he perceive the consequences of his actions. Abigail, however, is able to imagine the consequences before they are enacted and choose a different course of action.

When Abigail encounters David and his men, she doesn’t make excuses, instead she accepts responsibility for what has happened, and she offers to rectify what has been done. She is thoughtful, tactful and courteous, and she demonstrates great faith. She accepts the blame for something she had nothing to do with. She deliberately takes responsibility for the situation. She says, “If I had talked to those young men you sent they would have been sent back in a different way. I’m sorry they were dealt with that way.” She confidently responds with cogent thoughts and articulate words that change David’s mind.

Anger will not subside until someone is willing to accept responsibility for what happened by offering hope that things can be different and willing to make meaningful apologies. Abigail regrets what has happened in the past but makes assurances that she will do something about the present. This is what it takes to diffuse the anger in an angry person. This is an example of responsive thinking and acting.

In all our interpersonal relationships we can be reactive or responsive. Don’t doubt it. It is a choice for each of us. One brings harm and hurt, and the other healing and meaning. Whether it is in marriage, parenting, or workplace relationships, let us strive for responsive thinking and acting.

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[i] Alan Redpath, The Making of a Man of God (Fleming H. Revell, Grand Rapids, MI 1990) 128.

Acceptance

The lion who wanted to prove his authority asked a bear, “Who is the king of the jungle?” The bear answered, “You of course.” Having heard what he wanted to hear, he then asked a tiger, “Who is the king of the jungle?” The tiger answered, “You of course.” Again having heard what he wanted to hear, he then asked an elephant, “Who is the king of the jungle?” The elephant grabbed him and threw him up in the air and let him fall on some rocks. Then he threw him even higher than ever and let him fall into some trees. The lion now bruised and limping replied to the elephant, “If you don’t know the right answer, you don’t have to get so mad about it.”

We all want to be accepted and validated, but it is amazing how hard it is for us to give that acceptance to others. Instead we, like the lion, often seek to assert our authority over others. The Bible explains why we do this: “…for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Rom 3:23). Unless we learn to let God’s grace intervene, our selfish natures will insist on our being first at any cost.

The Apostle Paul is an example of someone who had the ability to accept other people who were different than he was and encourage them. He certainly wasn’t always that way, but God’s marvelous grace had transformed him. When Paul wrote Timothy his second letter, it was the last letter he would ever write. The letter is very personal and meant to encourage and inspire Timothy. Paul is in a Roman prison, very much alone and very lonely. Paul was the complete opposite of Timothy. He was an extrovert and Timothy an introvert. He was as bold as a lion and Timothy as fearful as a frightened kitten, and yet Paul gently accepts these differences in Timothy. His words here to Timothy were uplifting: “For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands. For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline” (2 Tim 1:6-7).

Acceptance of another person is a mature act that changes both people. The greater the acceptance of each other in marriage, the more satisfying the relationship will be. Take for example a husband who has trouble because his wife is very outgoing and has many friends, while he is very solitary. He criticizes her and tries to change her into an introvert like himself. It won’t work, and it will diminish from their relationship. When he recognizes that this is how God made her and he accepts her, he begins to see how she blossoms when she is free to be herself. He then will begin to enjoy his relationship with her more. Perhaps the same could be said about the wife who nags her husband because he is such a spend thrift and doesn’t like spending money. The more she tries to change him into a spender like herself, the more unhappy he is and the more the relationship is diminished. Only when she begins to see his ways as helpful, do the both of them begin to enjoy each other.

This concept is applicable to every human relationship. When parents learn to see and appreciate the differences in their children, it makes an enormous difference in the relationships. When bosses see the unique differences in their employees and accept them, only then are they able to build on the strengths and minimize the weaknesses.

Are you able to accept the people God has put in your life? Is the one person you seem to be having so many problems with due to the fact that you are not very accepting of them? Let’s abandon the lion’s strategy for a while and see how many people we can validate through our acceptance of their uniqueness even though it so different than our own.

Thy Will Be Done

I have recently read C.S. Lewis’ book entitled The Great Divorce. Lewis is one of my favorite writers even though his books are not always easy to understand. They do, however, have some of the most profound thoughts that I have ever seen any writer produce. In writing this book, Lewis was writing about the important Christian beliefs of heaven and hell. Lewis chose the title as a response to William Blake’s book written much earlier about the marriage of heaven and hell. Blake proposed that heaven and hell are essentially the same thing and are experienced now. Blake put man at the center of the universe, and his book saw redemption as achieved by self-sacrifice and forgiveness. Lewis wrote to his world in a fictional form, showing what might happen if people from earth could travel to heaven while being completely unprepared for heaven. He demonstrates that one has to be transformed to enjoy heaven. Lewis sees heaven and hell as a choice which is absolutely unavoidable.

The book is like a mirror of ourselves in which we see our attitudes toward God, people, and heaven and hell. Often the picture he shows us of ourselves is not a pretty picture. People have been and are still notorious about denying the reality of a place called hell. They say, “God would not send anyone to hell.” They assert that a Loving God would not send people to such a place. They are right. God would not and does not send anyone to hell. He does, however, respect our ability to make choices. He made us that way. He gave us our own volition which allows us to choose to serve him or reject him, as is evident in these words of Joshua: “But if serving the Lord seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15).

C.S. Lewis describes for us in this book how God sees the operation of our volition: There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, "Thy will be done," and those to whom God says, in the end, "Thy will be done." All that are in Hell, choose it. Without that self-choice there could be no Hell.[i]

What Lewis is so eloquently describing is our ability to surrender our wills to God now and receive Jesus, which is God’s gift of eternal life to the world. God freely offers Jesus to all of us and says, “Please choose my son and live.” However, he will not force us to make that choice. He will respect our right to reject his son and live our lives without God. Ultimately, however, there will be a time when we will stand before God, and God will say to us, “Thy will be done.” You wanted to live without me, then I will give you your choice.” That is what hell is—it is a choice to live without God. The choice is made now while we live. Heaven begins on this earth for those who choose Jesus, and Hell begins here now for those who choose to reject God’s gift and live their will.

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[i] C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce, Harper One, Great Britain, 2001, p. 75.

A Mighty Fortress

Fear is a powerful force in our lives. It can operate in sinister ways that we are often not aware of. A humiliating experience or a disappointing situation from our past can cause us to be fearful of anything similar in the present. Fear cripples us and changes us in different ways and never for the better. It can make us defensive and hyper-vigilant for the slightest threat. For example, fear can produce undue anxiety and panic, causing us to lose our ability to think rationally.

Psalm 46 talks about fear and how to overcome it. This psalm was Martin Luther’s favorite psalm.

From this psalm he found the inspiration for the great hymn “A Mighty Fortress is Our God.” The controlling thought of the psalm is found in the first line “God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble.” The first word of line two is incredibly important “Therefore.” It unequivocally states that because God is our refuge, therefore we will not fear.

H. C. Leupold appropriately wrote, “If one really appropriates the truth embodied in the first verse of this psalm his attitude cannot be any other than one of complete fearlessness. No out of control anxieties, no exaggerated feelings of uneasiness, God is our refuge. No middle of the night shakes and sweats, God is our refuge. No morning dread or evening depression, God is our refuge. God is our strength.”^[i]

The background of this psalm is thought to be about what is written in 2 Kings, chapters 18-19. Hezekiah became king in Judah when he was just 25. Three years into his reign, the Assyrians attacked their sister nation, Israel, by blockading the city of Samaria. Three years later Israel surrendered. The Assyrians grew in power and conquered everyone in their path. Now they were knocking at Hezekiah’s door. King Sennacherib and his commanders were intimidating and arrogant. They mocked Hezekiah and his God and any possibility of defending his country against the inevitable conquest. Hezekiah experienced fear, but he modeled for us how to handle it.

If you read these verses in light of Hezekiah’s problems, they mean so much more: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging” (Ps 46: 1-3).

Hezekiah laid out his problems before God and waited for his answer. He asked God, “Would this mighty army take the city of Jerusalem the way they had taken Samaria?” The answer came, "Therefore this is what the Lord says concerning the king of Assyria:

"He will not enter this city

or shoot an arrow here.

He will not come before it with shield

or build a siege ramp against it.

By the way that he came he will return;

he will not enter this city, declares the Lord.

I will defend this city and save it,

for my sake and for the sake of David my servant" (2 Kings 19:32-34).

Compare that with what is said in Psalm 46:4-7:

“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy place where the Most High dwells.  God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day. Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall; he lifts his voice, the earth melts. The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

When we come to verses 8-11, we are talking about peace. It is the imposed peace of the victor—God who will ultimately destroy every human weapon. As the victor destroys his opponent’s weapons, so will the Lord Jesus Christ break every bow and shatter every spear.

Ps 46:8-11 “Come and see the works of the LORD, the desolations he has brought on the earth. He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear, he burns the shields with fire. ‘Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.’ The LORD Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

We are told to “Be still and know that He is God.” Look what God did to the Assyrian army: “That night the angel of the LORD went out and put to death a hundred and eighty-five thousand men in the Assyrian camp. When the people got up the next morning-there were all the dead bodies! So Sennacherib king of Assyria broke camp and withdrew” (2 Kings 19:35-37). If God is our refuge, there is no need to fear, no matter what we are facing.

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[i] (Quoted from Charles Swindoll, Tape 295 “A Reformation in Our Patriotism” 7-3-03.)