Impulsive, thoughtless, careless, yelling, screaming, name
calling, avoidance behavior, anger, resentment, irritation, anxiety, stressful
and uncontrolled are words that belong to reactive thinking. Words that
describe responsive thinking are deliberate, thoughtful, creative, careful,
intelligent, responsible, peaceful and controlled. These two very opposite ways
of thinking get started very early in our thinking and continue all the way
through our lives. Reactive thinking contributes to dysfunctional behavioral
patterns that perpetuate stress and anxiety. On the other hand, responsive
thinking contributes to optimum behavioral patterns that promote peaceful and
enjoyable relationships.
An episode from David’s life demonstrates both patterns. David
and his men are in the Desert of Maon, and while they are there, they provide
protection for the shepherds of a wealthy man named Nabal. It was not uncommon
for attacking tribes to attack and take what they wanted from a herd. This,
however, had not happened on David’s watch. Since David and his men provided this
service, they expected to be recompensed in some way. That’s why David sent his
men to Nabal.
Nabal’s foolish, reactive response is one of resentment: When David's men arrived, they gave Nabal
this message in David's name. Then they waited. Nabal answered David's
servants, "Who is this David? Who is this son of Jesse? Many servants are
breaking away from their masters these days. Why should I take my bread and
water, and the meat I have slaughtered for my shearers, and give it to men
coming from who knows where?" (1 Sam 25:9)
David also demonstrates reactive thinking with his anger: David's men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word. David said to his men,
"Put on your swords!" So they put on their swords, and David put on
his. About four hundred men went up with David, while two hundred stayed with
the supplies (1 Sam 25:12).
This is the same man who recently had the chance to kill Saul, but refused
to do so. He demonstrated enormous patience and self-control, even persuading
his men of the rightness of his actions. However, now look at David as he is in
reactive mode.
Alan Redpath writes about this moment:
David! David! What is wrong with you? Why, one of the most wonderful
things we have learned about you recently is your patience with Saul. You
learned to wait upon the Lord, you refused to lift you hand to touch the Lord’s
anointed, although he had been your enemy for so many years. But now, look at
you! Your self-restraint has gone to pieces and a few insulting words from a
fool of a man like Nabal has made you see red! David, what’s the matter? “I am
justified in doing this,” David would reply. “There is no reason why Nabal
should treat me as he has. He has repaid all my kindness with insults. I will
show him he can’t trifle with me. It is one thing to take it from Saul, who is
my superior at this point, but this sort of man—this highhanded individual must
be taught a lesson!”[i]
Abigail, Nabal’s wife, is, however, responsive in her thinking. She
quickly prepares to go and meet with David before tragedy strikes. She takes
food and drink as gifts for David’s men. She is calm and thoughtful in her
actions. It is completely the opposite of what David is doing at this moment.
There is no thinking going on with David—he is like a ricocheted bullet that is
bouncing off objects. He is in total reactionary mode and not thinking about
his decisions. If David proceeds, he will act in his temporary insanity, and
then after all is over, he will come to see what he has done, and only then
will he perceive the consequences of his actions. Abigail, however, is able to
imagine the consequences before they are enacted and choose a different course
of action.
When Abigail encounters David and his men, she doesn’t make excuses,
instead she accepts responsibility for what has happened, and she offers to
rectify what has been done. She is thoughtful, tactful and courteous, and she
demonstrates great faith. She accepts the blame for something she had nothing
to do with. She deliberately takes responsibility for the situation. She says, “If
I had talked to those young men you sent they would have been sent back in a
different way. I’m sorry they were dealt with that way.” She confidently
responds with cogent thoughts and articulate words that change David’s mind.
Anger will not subside until someone is willing to accept responsibility for
what happened by offering hope that things can be different and willing to make
meaningful apologies. Abigail regrets what has happened in the past but makes
assurances that she will do something about the present. This is what it takes
to diffuse the anger in an angry person. This is an example of responsive
thinking and acting.
In all our interpersonal relationships we can be reactive or responsive. Don’t
doubt it. It is a choice for each of us. One brings harm and hurt, and the
other healing and meaning. Whether it is in marriage, parenting, or workplace
relationships, let us strive for responsive thinking and acting.
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