Setting Fields On Fire

People often engage in dysfunctional games of manipulation with each other in life. Some people are intent on getting what they want at any cost, while others are the victims.

Families play games of control. As a result, dysfunctional patterns develop and are passed on to subsequent generations. Even within the pages of scripture, some of the most famous people had some very dysfunctional problems, which they played out in these games.

Joab, David’s commander of the army, was one of those people, and so was King David and his son Absalom. David had been playing a game of avoiding his son, Absalom, for three years. Joab could see a potential problem if the king and his eldest son, the heir to the throne, did not speak to each other, so he wanted to fix it. Joab brought a wise woman to speak with the king and instructed her on what to say (2 Samuel 14:2). Joab’s strategy involved deception, as all dysfunctional games often do.

The woman pretended to be a widow with a serious problem that seemed unsolvable. One son had killed the other in a moment of heated anger. Her extended family wanted to put to death her only remaining son. The king was ready to help the woman. After telling the king her story, she directed her words to him. You have done something similar: “You have a son you do not speak to and show no mercy to. You are willing to help me, but not your son.”

The king told Joab to go and bring Absalom back from his exile (2 Samuel 14:21). Joab was delighted. His game of manipulation had worked, and then it didn’t. Then David told him, “He must go to his own house; he must not see my face.” (2 Sam 14:24).

Absalom had been back for two years and had not seen his father. That is, five years altogether that he had not seen his father, when you add the three years of exile. Absalom tried to get Joab to help him see the king, but Joab had had enough of the games. To get Joab’s attention, Absalom instructed his servants to burn Joab’s barley fields (2 Sam 14:30).

There are sons and daughters setting fields on fire to get their father’s attention everywhere. “Dad, I am here. Will you come to my game?” Dad, do you see me?” “Do you have anything to say to me?” Finally, Joab got an appointment for Absalom to see the king; “Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom” (2 Sam 14:33). It was an awkward meeting.

What a different reception the son in Luke’s parable of the lost son receives: He finally realizes he must go home to his father. “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” Luke 15:20).

Getting Rid of Bitterness

We all want things to be put right in this world. Even criminals seek vengeance against those who wrong them. The stories that most people like in books and films are those that put things right. The bad guys get caught, and vengeance is taken. However, the Bible says that “vengeance belongs to the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

In the course of our lives, we suffer from the sinfulness of others and ourselves. The resulting desire to hurt someone who has hurt us is inevitable: “That person does not exist anymore to me.” It is a way to punish someone.

Absalom, David’s son, wanted vengeance on his brother, Amnon, for raping his sister Tamar. Absalom devised a plan to throw a grand feast and invite everyone, including his father(2 Samuel 13:24). He seemed to know his father would decline, which was what he counted on.

Absalom was very manipulative. He had learned from his father. It becomes evident in this conversation that he is manipulating the king. The plan was working. He wanted the king to feel uncomfortable at declining his invitation. Absalom gave every impression that he really wanted the king and his servants to come. David wished him well with the feast, but was still unwilling to attend himself.

Now it was time for Absalom to spring his trap. He wanted his brother, the crown prince, to be there. David was reluctant: “Why should he go with you?” (2 Samuel 13:26). Absalom overcame David’s hesitancy by making his invitation to all the king’s sons so that it seemed genuine. David had been fooled in a plan of folly by Amnon, and now it has happened a second time by Absalom.

Absalom gave instructions to his servants to kill his brother when he gave the order. Absalom believes he is meting out justice for the crime his brother committed and for which he was never punished. Amnon had wrecked his sister’s life, and now the time has arrived for him to pay.

The earlier sinful actions of David are reflected in the actions of his sons. As David gave in to his lust which eventually led to murder, so now Amnon’s giving in to his lust led to another murder. David’s boys were contaminated by his sin as we all are by our sinful natures.

David had been aware of what Amnon had done to Tamar; however, he took no action against Amnon. He had been worried about Absalom’s request to send Amnon to his feast, but had been unable to refuse him. Absalom had killed Amnon and then fled. David mourned for Amnon for the rest of his life. David was furious with Absalom, just as he had been with Amnon. However, he did not take action.

Dr. Paul Brand in God’s Forever Feast tells an amazing story. Dr. Richard Dawson learned something significant while serving in the British Army during World War II. Dawson spent some time in a brutal Japanese prison camp. Daily, he watched soldiers dying of treatable illnesses. Most of the diseases and infections came from drinking contaminated water in the rivers and swamps near the camp. A little stomach virus, some dehydration—all perfectly treatable during peacetime—meant certain death in the prison camp.

One day, Dr. Dawson remembered a piece of advice someone once told him: the water of an unripe coconut is almost always sterile. Coconuts grew in abundance around the banks of the swamps. Dr. Dawson began cutting down coconuts and using the water inside as an intravenous fluid for his dehydrated men. Soon, many of the men recovered their health. Dr. Dawson marveled at the fact that those coconuts, full of pure, sterile water, grew beside contaminated swamps and rivers. Evidently, the tree's root system absorbed contaminated water—which was killing the men—and transformed it into something pure and life-giving. 

The cultural water we drink in the world around us tells us to take our vengeance. This was the contaminated water that Absalom was drinking. It made him sick—he believed his only alternative was to murder his brother. He was wrong—God’s alternative was better—forgiveness. Absalom was confused because David took no corrective measures against Amnon. If David had, it might have prevented this terrible tragedy. Still, this only made it worse for Absalom—it fed his hatred. We are told to leave vengeance to the Lord. We have to forgive so we can live. Hatred and bitterness poison the soul and spirit and sap the life out of us.

I recently went to Urgent Care because I had a splinter in a finger, and it became infected. The doctor said I am going to numb your finger with a shot, and it is going to hurt—she wasn’t lying. That, however, was necessary to get the infection out. The doctor prescribed an antibiotic to combat the infection. That is what God’s forgiveness is to our spirit. If the infection remains, the problem only gets worse. We need God’s antidote for bitterness and resentment—it is called forgiveness.

 

The Spirit of Amnon

Children acquire patterns of behavior and attitudes from their parents—some good and some destructive. And since that invariable happens, the faults and failings of parents are prone to show up in their children. Whether they do or not, children will be affected by them in one way or another. This is illustrated in the life of David as his son, Amnon, gravitates to his father’s worst faults.

David had received judgments from God for his sin, though he had been forgiven. The prophet Nathan said, “…the sword will never depart from your house” (2 Samuel 12:10). David had already seen this in the death of his child from Bathsheba. The principle of sowing and reaping was clearly demonstrated in David’s family (Galatians 6:8).

Amnon is David’s eldest son; he is the most obvious candidate to inherit David’s throne. Amnon said that he loved his sister, Tamar, and wanted her. “Loved” was Amnon’s word for what he felt toward Tamar, but he was deluded; there was no love for his sister, only incestuous lust. He did not love her but only wanted to exploit her for his gratification. His desire grew stronger. He was consumed by frustration, so Amnon devised a plan to manipulate everyone involved and find a way to be alone with Tamar.

Amnon had never been taught any restraint, nor had he been taught right from wrong. When parents refuse to restrain their sons and daughters, they are creating in them the spirit of Amnon. When parents do not teach right from wrong, they are sowing the seeds of destruction.

Amnon manipulated his father into allowing his sister to come to his house and cook for him. He planned to rape her. His father was complicit since he was so disconnected from his son.

Tamar was unaware of what was going on in Amnon’s mind. When Amnon commanded her to come to bed with him, she protested, “Don’t do it, Amnon.” It is wicked! It is wrong, Amnon! Think about the effect on me! What will be the impact on you? You will erase your reputation in one day, and you will be known as a fool.”

What is so shocking is that as soon as Amnon had his gratification, he hated her more than he loved her (2 Samuel 13:15). Amnon’s “love” suddenly became hate through the sexual violation.  The selfishness of his violation of Tamar had revealed his delusion that he “loved” her. He could not bear to have her in his presence any longer. To see her was to see his own shame and guilt. He commanded a servant to cast her out and bolt the door.

Can you imagine how hard this must have been for the servant to put the king’s daughter outside against her will? What a terrible position to put this servant in the middle of this horrible mess.

A daughter needs her father’s protection and affirmation. It was missing in Tamar’s life. David was passive in his relationships with his children, giving them everything they wanted but not everything they needed. It is clear that he failed to provide protection and affirmation to Tamar, and he also did not offer guidance and direction to his sons.

This was a terrible thing that happened—a brother raped his sister, and all David does is get mad (2 Samuel 13:21). He doesn’t comfort Tamar, he doesn’t discipline Amnon. He doesn’t even talk to him. This is part of the reason that Absalom gets so angry and waits for an opportunity to kill his brother, because this situation was ignored.

Fathers and mothers, if you care for your children, then guard your own integrity. Look at how the sinfulness of David seems to have produced a weakness in him. It has left him powerless to refrain his sons from their evil choices.

Parents, you are not being a good parent when you give your child everything they want. You think you are, but you are not. Your child needs to understand that you are the parent and hold authority. Sometimes you will say yes, and sometimes you will say no. If you let the child decide what you are doing or not doing, you will only be creating the spirit of Amnon. You don’t have to be mean; in fact, you should always be loving and kind, but you should be in control of your children when you are raising them.