The Cure For Shame

Shame is one of the most painful emotions that we ever experience. It happens because sometimes others inflict shame on us and other times we do it to ourselves. Either way, it is difficult to get rid of the shame. I see people in my practice that bear shame from their childhood and have been lugging it around all their life. Some have gone through shameful divorces but have never healed. Still others have been hurt in a thousand different ways. The shame steals their joy and enthusiasm for life, and they live life without any hope. There is someone who can help change that, and his name is Jesus.

Jesus specialized in healing the heart and taking away the shame. He did it for Peter, the disciple who was so self-reliant. He assured Jesus that he would never abandon him. In fact, he would die for Jesus if necessary. Jesus, in an attempt to show Peter his presumption, told him that he would deny that he ever knew Jesus three times before the cock crowed (Luke 22:34). Peter was dumbfounded to hear that. He thought he would never do that.

When the arrest of Jesus occurred, Peter acted impulsively, cutting off a man’s ear. He no doubt was humiliated when Jesus told him to put the sword away. He helplessly watched as they took Jesus away in shackles. Peter kept his distance, but he followed Jesus. Though the interrogation of Jesus took place indoors, he stayed outside and waited. Then it happened; someone identified and accused him of being a follower of Christ. Then it happened twice more, and each time Peter vehemently denied that he knew Jesus. Then at that very moment, they led Jesus outside, and a rooster crowed, and Jesus’s eyes met Peter’s (Luke 22: 60-62). Jesus’ prophesy had come true just as Jesus said it would.

Peter’s pain was no doubt unbearable as he wept bitter tears of regret. His sense of shame and failure overwhelmed him, and he disappeared in hiding. What is amazing is the way Jesus, after his resurrection, sought Peter out and very gently and slowly healed Peter’s heart. There was a second part to the prophesy of Peter’s denial that is very encouraging: Jesus said that after he had failed, he would turn back and strengthen his brothers (Luke 22:32).

In John chapter 21 Jesus met Peter and six other disciples after a night of fruitless labor on the sea. He told them to cast the net on the right side and you will catch fish. They did, and the haul was enormous. That triggered a memory for Peter because Jesus had done this once before. Jesus grilled fish and bread for them on a campfire and fed the hungry fishermen. He talked with Peter and asked him if he loved him more than anything. Peter said he did. Jesus asked him the same question three times, and Peter gave the same answer. Jesus told Peter to follow him and to feed his sheep.

Peter’s heart was healed, and the shame was taken away. Jesus, who knows how to bind up the broken hearted, can heal anyone’s broken heart. He can take that shame away and send you forth into a fruitful life and ministry as he did Peter. Trust him as Peter did.

Acceptance, God’s Answer to Our Shame

Forgiveness is God’s answer to our sin. The word gospel means good news, and that is what the gospel is. It is good news to know that we can be saved from our sin and deserved judgment. We receive that forgiveness through accepting God’s gift of grace he gives in Jesus Christ. When Jesus died on the cross, he received our judgment that was our due. God judged our sins upon Jesus so that he could forgive us. God forgives us, not because we deserve to be forgiven, but because of his grace and mercy.

However, have you ever noticed that many Christians still deal with a sense of shame long after they have been forgiven? There are hurtful memories of experiences where they experienced shame in their earlier years that still haunt them. Shame is one of the most powerful negative emotions a human being can experience, and it leaves a scar that is a constant reminder of that dreadful experience.

God’s answer to our shame is his unconditional acceptance. Most people have never known unconditional acceptance. The acceptance they have known has always been predicated on performance. Many have been raised in homes where they were compared with others; when they didn’t make the grade, they experienced shame. Some carry deep scars from the shaming experiences experienced at the hands of bullies or even neglectful or uncaring teachers. Others have worked in environments where they have been publically shamed for not achieving the boss’s expectations.

God wraps his arms around us and tells us that we are accepted and that acceptance eradicates our shame. This is beautifully illustrated in the parable of the Prodigal Son. The younger son of a father rebelled against his father and asked for his inheritance even before his father’s death. The father surprisingly complied with the request. Upon receiving his portion he left and traveled far and wasted his money and resources. His life spiraled out of control until he hit bottom. While feeding pigs he “came to his senses,” and said to himself, “‘How many of my father's hired men have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men.' So he got up and went to his father” (Luke 15: 17-20).

Most likely this son had been gone for years, and though the father had never gone looking for the son, he never gave up hope that he would return. Luke beautifully describes the scene, "But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (Luke 15:20).

The picture of the father running to the son and throwing his arms around him and kissing him is one of acceptance. The son gave his speech that he had rehearsed at the pig pen, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son.” However, he did not give the whole speech because the father interrupted him with this response of acceptance, "But the father said to his servants, 'Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let's have a feast and celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is found.' So they began to celebrate” (Luke 15:21-25).

This is a picture of how God responds to all sinners who go home. We long for acceptance, and in the Father we have it. The shame of our past and the scars we carry are covered by his acceptance. Even though we don’t deserve to be a son or daughter, the Father receives us as such and accepts us into the family.

He Knows How We Feel

When my son Ryan was just a little guy, he had a favorite blanket that was worn to shreds. My wife, Marilyn, washed it with care because it was so frayed on the edges. We tried to give him a new one, but he loved the old one.

On a trip from our home in Argentina to Brazil, we spent the night in a hotel. The next morning we had breakfast and continued our journey. We drove for several hours and then discovered the special blanket was missing. In an effort to console our distraught, little son, I promised to stop at the hotel on the way back and ask about the blanket. That promise really seemed to calm him down. In reality, I didn’t think there would be much hope of finding the beloved blanket. If anyone saw it, they wouldn’t think twice about tossing the worn-out thing in the trash. On our return to Argentina, Ryan asked often about his blanket. When we finally arrived at the hotel, I inquired if anyone had found a little boy’s blanket. The manager said, “Just a minute,” and returned with a blanket. He informed me that a maid had brought it to him and told him this has great value to someone—so he put it in the safe and waited to see if the owner would return.

I have never forgotten how excited and comforted our little boy was to recover his blanket. Though he was still little, he was experiencing anxiety; however, it helped him to know that we all understood and were concerned about what he was feeling.

There isn’t a person on this planet that doesn’t need that same experience of knowing someone cares. We all want someone to validate our feelings with words like “I know what you are going through” or “I feel for you right now.” It does something for us. Every child needs for her parents to validate her feelings. Every husband or wife needs their spouse to validate their emotions.

There is no one who can do that like Jesus can. He came to this earth and took on a human body so he could validate our human experience. The writer of the book of Hebrews paints a beautiful picture of Jesus as our intercessor going to God on our behalf. He understands and is capable of comprehending our needs because he has experienced them.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are — yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:14-17).

We never met the kind maid in the city of Posadas, Argentina who safeguarded Ryan’s blanket because she recognized it was valuable, but I am grateful for people like that. Maybe there haven’t been too many people in your life like this lady, and you feel no one understands your hurt. Let me remind you there is one who does, and his name is Jesus.

Inviting Jesus Into a Memory

I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a bad memory or two, but some people seem to have too many to count. Those bad memories have contributed to dysfunctional patterns of thinking. These people have been hurt so severely, they have tunnel vision. They see most everything as a loss and not a gain. They focus on the problems and not the solutions.

When my father was just a small boy living in West Texas, he went to his one room school house. His education was intermittent, leaving him with gaps in his learning. When he failed to solve a math problem, the teacher ridiculed him and even shook him. He never forgot that experience or the feeling of his inadequacy, especially when it came to math. His formal education ended that year with his completion of the 5^th grade. Later on, during World War II he was selected for officer’s training and, according to his captain, would have made a fine officer. However, when the training focused on math, my father walked out of the class and out of the program. There simply had been too many terrifying memories of a 5^th grader who couldn’t do math.

That memory never left my father; neither did the wound. I have learned that the best thing any of us can do with bad memories is to invite Jesus into that memory. Jesus is not subject to time. He is eternal, and he can travel through time. He will stand with us in that moment when we first stood all alone. He stands with us in that moment when we were filled with disappointment and sadness. In that moment when we felt stupid, useless and inadequate, he comes to change those feelings of loss. These are wounds that never heal and memories that never go away on their own. The enemy uses them to taunt us all through our adult life. When we invite Jesus into the memory, he comes to correct the lies and defend us from the slander. He comes to set us free from those enslaving memories. I believe this is what the Apostle Paul was writing about in his letter to the Corinthians:

2 Cor 10:4-5

“The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. 5 We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”

Maybe you’ve had some similar moment of failure in your life that has formed a bad memory. Perhaps you believe what the memory tells you every day—that you are “stupid,” “not worthy” or “not capable.” Invite Jesus into your failure today, and he will set you free of the guilt and shame. He will take that thought and make it obedient to his will.