Learning to Compromise in Marriage

Families play a lot of games, games of control. The players are both parents and children, and they all learn to manipulate and even use deception to get what they want. As a result, dysfunctional patterns develop and are passed on to each succeeding generation. For example, when parents give in over and over to a five-year-old, they are teaching the child that you can always have your way. This child will learn to manipulate people to continue to get her way as she gets older. Even within the pages of scripture, some of the most famous people had some very dysfunctional problems and played these games.

The patriarch Isaac never reached any understanding with his wife, Rebekah, on many different issues in their family.  When it came to parenting, Isaac and Rebekah were not on the same page. They had both chosen their favorite child, and they worked against each other.  

Conflict can be aggressive or passive, but it always brings confusion. The message being sent to their children, Jacob and Esau, by their parents was that Mom and Dad didn’t agree (Gen 27:1-40). Dad was going to ignore God’s word to do what he wanted, and Mom was willing to deceive Dad to get her own way. When parents fail to show respect for each other, children are left in bewilderment, causing them to disrespect their parents, one another, and others. Essentially, how they grow up treating each other is how they will treat their future spouses.

The one thing we need to give our children is authenticity. We must learn to truly be who we are to our children if they are going to be themselves. If we don’t, we will effectively teach them to imitate others, thus robbing them of the strength of their authenticity. Isaac and Rebekah did not know how to resolve their problems and come to some middle ground regarding parenting, so they dealt with their problems in dysfunctional ways.

The story of Isaac and Rebekah and their family is all too common today. The parents’ refusal to compromise with each other and work together brought isolation to their family. Jacob was forced to flee and was gone for twenty years and most likely never saw his mother again. Jacob's deception of his father and brother was a habit that continued in his life. He, too, was the recipient of exploitation at the hands of his Uncle Laban.

Families have these same kinds of problems because they refuse to get to the heart of their issues. When we are stuck, we have to identify the pattern and address changes that need to be made. Most often, that means that each person involved has to make compromises to be able to reach an understanding. Ignoring problems and living in alternate worlds, the way Isaac and Rebekah did, is painful and only brings more isolation. God will help us if we ask for his help, but we also have to be willing to put our stubbornness aside and listen to each other.

(Parenting with a Long View) 

https://boydbrooks.com/

Moving Toward Resolution

Conflict in this life is inevitable, and it brings anxiety, depression, frustration, and isolation. Specifically, it is an unresolved conflict that is the problem. We will all experience conflict in life, but so much hinges on our ability to resolve conflict. If we do, we will turn our emotions around and begin to feel much better. Our connection with persons involved in the conflict will immediately improve. If, however, we do not resolve the conflict or at least some of it, we will continue to deal with those agonizing emotions.

Solomon wrote these wise words a very long time ago, but they are just as relevant today as the day they were written; “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.

Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools” (Ecclesiastes 7:8-9). If we apply this to marital conflict, it looks like this. An argument can escalate quickly, separating the couple. A mature couple will look for a solution and move toward resolution. The immature couple will not, and the matter will only grow more severe. Their anger, like sharp knives, will cut each other, leaving them wounded and apart. What Solomon hopes we grasp here is that it is always better to be humble and look for a solution early in a conflict. If not, the conflict will become more complicated and inflict such pain and hurt that it will be very difficult to resolve later.

I like to call this learning to move toward resolution. When a couple fights, they will both be angry with defensive behavior and not know how to move forward. Escalation or resolution is possible, depending on how they move forward. They can continue escalating the conflict, or they can move toward resolution. The problem is that It is not easy to know where the point of resolution is located. However, they have to be patient with each other and slowly explore how they can move away from conflict and toward resolution.

It is as if they have to wait for the conflict to dissipate like fog. The conflict has left the couple with no resolution and has dulled their senses. When each person seeks personal vindication by attempting to persuade the other of the correctness of their position and the wrongness of the other’s position, they are stuck. They need to find and seek a resolution that will move them together. The point of resolution will not be visible in conflict, but they have to do the things that move them in that direction anyway. Later, they will be able to see the improvement much better. Mutual resolution is the distance between two defined points, point A conflict, and point B resolution. You act in a way that moves you in that direction regardless of how you feel, and your feelings catch up later. You don’t count whose turn it is to apologize; you do whatever it takes to remove the impasse. Later, you hope and pray for insight into your behavior and thoughts and share them with your spouse which generates greater resolution and more clarity and connection.