Self-Control, The Foundation of Maturity

Self-control is the most critical aspect of our character. All the other fruits of the Spirit, like love, joy, peace, kindness, and goodness, depend on self-control. This is essential for mature development in our lives and in our children. Obviously, if we don’t possess self-control, it’s hard to teach it to our children. You can’t yell at your kids and tell them to stop yelling. You can’t react in anger to rebuke your child for their anger. The control of our emotions sets the example, and says to the child, “Watch me and do this.” If we want to experience the emotions that bring fulfillment and satisfaction, they will only happen within the boundaries of self-control. Take love, for example:

Love has many facets, as Chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians explains. One of the most important ones is patience. The old English translation of patience is long-suffering. Listening to someone angry, resentful, or hurt is not easy. To do so requires a great deal of patience or suffering. We have to be disciplined enough not to be provoked and, at the same time, not be quick to react in defensive behavior. Our usual reaction is to fight back if we feel attacked, which only escalates the conflict. We are talking about the ability to withstand the frustration of listening to someone who is just as flawed and messed up as we are. Long-suffering or forbearance invites God into the situation, which lessens resentment or anger.

As Solomon wisely said, “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools” (Eccl. 7:9). Only a fool is defensive; he will not hear the matter out. Only a fool will respond with accusations before listening to the other person. Solomon also said, “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride” (Eccl. 7:8). There will be an abundance of unresolved conflict when there is a deficit of patience and long-suffering. Resolving a matter is better than quitting in the middle with both people extremely upset. We all experience conflict but do not know how to fix it.

Deescalating an argument and resolving the differences that initiated the disagreement are learned skills. These skills take work, especially if the model we grew up with was an unresolved conflict with anger and resentment. What helps us know patience is to ask ourselves, “What can I do to resolve this?” We need to listen and hear what the other person is saying. We must take responsibility for our mistakes, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. We need to keep working on our attitudes.

Finding Strength in God

David found himself in the worst situation of his life when he returned from a journey. It was about sixty miles to his home of Ziklag, about a three-day march. When he and his men arrived, they found their homes had been raided and burned and their families and livestock gone (1 Sam 30:1). David deduced that their families had been taken alive because there were no signs of killing. He and his men wept aloud for their loss until they had no strength left (1 Sam 30:4).

The men blamed David for the situation and talked of stoning him. It had been David’s idea to leave Israel and live in Philistine territory. Maybe this whole idea had now backfired, and it had all ended in a disaster because of David.

In this moment of anxiety, David was greatly distressed, “But David found strength in the Lord his God” 1 Sam 30:6). This is an extraordinary statement that is relevant today. We, too, experience stressful situations, and it is these moments that we need to turn to the Lord for help.

David took advantage of the Priest, Abiathar, and the ephod to seek God’s guidance. We don’t know how the process worked, but it gave David guidance. It was used here as a means of asking the Lord about whether or not David and his men should pursue the raiders and whether or not they could find them. God’s answer came in the affirmative (1 Sam 30:7). David obeyed the Lord and pursued the raiders. He did not know who these raiders were, but he suspected they were the Amalekites, and he was right.

They had to be weary after a three-day march, and then to begin a forced march in pursuit of the enemy was too much for 200 of the 600 men. David left those men in the Besor Valley to rest and take care of their baggage (1 Sam 30:9).

God did not give David a detailed map of where to go, but he did send him someone who would lead them to the raiders. They found an Egyptian who had been left by his master and who was starving to death (1 Sam 30:11-12). He had been part of the raiding party, and with David’s promise that he would not be harmed, he led them to the enemy. They found the enemy celebrating their spoils and launched a surprise attack that lasted 24 hours. They recovered their families and much more.

When they returned to the other 200, some troublemakers among David’s men did not want to share spoils with them. They said, “Because they did not go out with us, we will not share with them the plunder we recovered” (1 Sam 30:22). David’s response was, “No, my brothers, you must not do that with what the Lord has given us” (1 Sam 30:23). The troublemakers’ view was we did this. On the contrary, David believed that God did this, and he has given us the spoils so they will be shared with each man. That is a view of grace. There is no room to boast.

Financial Independence

Working toward financial independence should be the goal of every Christian. That means that you will one day be able to live without debt and even make money with money. The first step toward financial independence is to learn to live within your means. It is a simple principle but very hard for many people. My father came home from the drugstore with a new watch he bought on credit when he was ten years old. My grandmother made him take it back, but she set aside a jar where he could save his money. When he had enough he paid cash for the watch. He said that was the best lesson he ever had in money management. One of the traps that keep people in debt is credit cards. A credit card should only be used if paid off at the end of the month. If you can’t do that then get rid of the credit cards.

There are two reasons to borrow money: one is good, and the other is not. First, we borrow to invest such as buying a house or a car. The house grows in value and the vehicle is necessary for a job. The second reason to borrow is to consume. This means buying what you cannot afford with your regular income, and as a result, you incur debt. In so doing, you have committed your time and future to pay back that debt. You will also have to pay outrageous interest charges.

Good money management includes planning for emergencies. Everyone should save money in an emergency fund to buy a new hot water heater or repair their car when needed. Then, beyond that, we should determine what are our financial goals. Such as paying off the car and the house sooner than scheduled because that frees up income. Secondly, we save for vacations so we don’t have to put them on the credit card. We save for the kid’s college fund, for retirement, and beyond that, for investments. Make sure you set aside an allotment to your savings each month. This is how you make time work for you. Someone said, “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years ago and the second best is now.” Having some life insurance is wise, so those you leave behind are financially prepared to carry on.

Making money with money means investing in low-risk opportunities, such as CDs, Bonds, Mutual funds, and Money Markets, so we are paid interest instead of paying others interest.

Good money management begins with putting God first and giving the Lord his portion. Then the rest is yours to manage with prudence and discipline. Financial independence is a choice just as indebtedness is a choice. As servants of the Lord, we view our resources as belonging to him and manage them for Him.

Controlling Anger

 We have one of the richest stories about controlling anger that comes to us from the story of David’s life. David and his 600 men were fugitives on the run from King Saul. During one period, his men protected the livestock of the shepherds of a rich man named Nabal. David sent men during the shearing time, which was like harvest time, to ask for a gift for his men. Nabal was reaping the benefits of having security for his flocks at no cost to himself from David’s men. At the same time, David and his men needed sustenance. David’s requested some kindness and generosity.

Nabal, a fool, was rich in possessions but nothing else. He was not rich in friendship, knowledge, or meaningful deeds. Nabal pretended that he did not know who David was. And asked why he should give his bread, water, and meat to someone he didn’t even know. However, his questions suggest that he knew very well who David was! He referred to him contemptuously as “the son of Jesse” (1 Sam 25:10-11).

David’s reaction was impulsive. He instructed his men to strap on their swords, and he vowed to kill every male in Nabal’s household (1 Sam 25:21-22). David was furious. Nabal had returned “evil” for the “good” David had done him. We are struck, however, by how David reacts to Nabal differently than he responded to Saul when he had the opportunity to kill him. David had learned to wait on God and refused to take his own vengeance. But now, his restraint is gone.

Abigail, Nabal’s wife, was informed of the foolish insults her husband had hurled at David’s messengers, and she immediately took action. She brought gifts and hurried to meet David. She asked David to ignore the fool—Nabal. She did not know his servants had come. She would not have sent them away empty-handed. She prayed that David would leave his enemies to God and let him deal with them. She reminded him of what he had recently done for Saul. Abigail connected the dots for David! She accepted the blame and asked David to forgive the offense so that his conscience would not be stained by the shedding of innocent blood. She asserted that she knew David would one day be king, and David must be a man who trusted God.

Abigail’s speech was as effective as God used her to speak to David. David backed away from his intent to harm and kill. He admitted that Abigail’s intervention had stopped him from committing bloodshed.

Anger is a learned reaction to frustration. It causes us to behave in public and in ways we will later regret. Severe anger is insanity, where we are temporarily insane. David was temporarily insane, but thanks to a rational and sane person, he was able to control his anger. Anger hurts those it aims at but destroys those who house the anger. May God give us more Abigails who have the common sense to speak to us in our moments of insanity.

The Restraint to Not Retaliate

 

David could have made his path to the throne quick and easy, but he chose to avoid taking that course. This became evident when Saul decided to enter a cave to relieve himself where David and his 600 men were hiding. Outside were 3000 of Israel’s shock troops that had orders to kill David on sight. David’s men urged him to take advantage of this opportunity and kill Saul. The men said, “This is the day the Lord spoke of when he said to you, ‘I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish.’” (1 Sam 24:4). The truth is God had never said that, but it made sense. The men realized that Saul considered David his “enemy,” so it was reasonable to assume that Saul was David’s enemy. It was evident to the men that this was a gift from the Lord. Stealthily David crept forward in the darkness and skillfully cut off a corner of Saul’s robe. After doing this, David was struck in his conscience.

David understood that the kingdom would undoubtedly be his one day, but he could not take it by his own power. Instead, he believed that he must leave it to God to give it to him in his own way. This prompted David to take a daring step of faith so he came out to the mouth of the cave and spoke to Saul giving a moving speech to Saul. David claimed his innocence, adding that Saul had no real reason to pursue him. Saul was also conscience-stricken and acknowledged that David would one day be king. Saul departed, and David and his men continued to live in the desert.

The men in the cave wanted David to take the opportunity that had so unexpectedly come to him. David’s refusal to do so displayed an astonishing insight. While God’s kingdom will undoubtedly entail overthrowing evil and justly punishing wickedness, that is in God’s hands. It will happen in God’s time and in God’s way, not ours. That is helpful for us to remember.

The Apostle Peter writes about Jesus’ incredible restraint, reminding us of David’s self-control.“When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly” (1 Peter 2:23). What it says here is very difficult to process. When they hurled insults at Jesus, he did not hurl insults back at them. When they threatened him, he did not threaten them in return. Then comes this word, “Instead,” he entrusted himself to God, who will judge all justly. When I am insulted, I usually insult back. I will admit I am working on this.

Once, while driving home late from the Bible School in Cordoba, Argentina, I encountered a group of teens playing soccer in the middle of the road late at night. I slowed down but noticed several coming at me from the sides. It was a trap to hijack my car. I immediately gunned the car, and the teens jumped out of the path of the speeding vehicle, but not before one of them spit on my windshield. I had narrowly escaped harm, and I was scared, but I also felt angry, and I wanted to fight back. How do I do that (instead of) part—that trusting God part?

The Destructive Power of Jealousy

Jealousy is a reaction to something that seems unfair. We envy the position of another, and because we cannot change anything, we get angry. If we stay angry, we will become hostile, surprising even ourselves with what we can do. When a person is envious, it is as if they have tunnel vision. They cannot see what they have, but only what the other has; they obsess about it.

This was the battle that King Saul fought when it came to David. Everything about David made him jealous. After David killed Goliath, the women sang this song: “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his tens of thousands.” (1 Sam 18:7).

It was a song linking Saul and David together in this victory. Still, jealousy would not allow Saul to enjoy the win even though he participated in the victory over the enemy. He could have rejoiced in the victory and shared the success, but he couldn’t. Jealousy always leads to anger, as it did for Saul. He was furious; this refrain displeased him greatly. “They have credited David with tens of thousands,” he thought, “but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?” (1 Sam 18:8).

Saul became so angry that he hurled a spear at David while he was playing the lyre. Jealousy leads to anger, and anger leads to hostility. Goliath never had the chance to throw his spear at David, but Saul did. It will only worsen because Saul refuses to deal with the root of the problem.

Solomon wrote, “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy? (Proverbs 27:4). Jealousy is the gasoline that fuels anger and will not let the fire die out. Jealousy harms our health, “A heart at peace gives life to the body, but envy rots the bones” (Prov 14:30).

Jealousy and anger are strong emotions that hijack our brains and make us say and do things we would never think of doing in our everyday minds. When we realize that we feel jealousy, it is time to do the hard work of getting rid of it. First, pray and ask God to change your heart. Second, approach the person with whom you are jealous and show kindness. Jealously wants to separate us, but kindness brings us together. Nevertheless, overcoming jealousy and anger is hard work, and we must be willing to persevere until we have rid ourselves of the poison of jealousy.

Grace Teaches us How to Say No and Yes

The Apostle Paul wrote to Titus words of advice that I am sure were a great blessing. Listen to these words that the young Titus must have absorbed: For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age (Titus 2:11-12).

Learning to say no to our ungodly impulses and yes to self-controlled living is not merely a matter of willpower but depends on our relationship with Christ. We don’t usually think of God’s grace as giving us the power to say no to ungodliness, but that’s what this passage says. Our success in the Christian life is proportional to our daily dependence on Jesus. The success of our marriage depends on controlling our emotions, just as parenting does. This is precisely what Paul is talking about. When we make emotional decisions, they are usually not good ones, and when we make thoughtful decisions empowered by the grace of God, they lead us on the right path. This path brings blessings to our lives.

Ungodliness is everywhere around us and in us. We are born with a sinful nature and raised by parents with a sinful nature. Our culture is ungodly, and sin abounds all around us. We will face temptations and must be armed with the power to say no, just like Joseph, who said no in a culture that never said no.

God’s grace empowers us to say no to things we don’t need, which will harm us. But that same grace gives us the ability to say yes to godliness. It is incredible to say no to sin and yes to godliness. That is the essence of living a Spirit-empowered life. The results of such choices produce results that bring blessings and prevent the dreaded consequences of sin.

Four Things That Will Change Your Life

 

Learn to Obey God Even When It Doesn’t Make Sense.

This is difficult because when things get complicated, we are prone to rely on our own intelligence. We often are inclined to take desperate measures, even if that is the opposite of obeying God. To obey God in all situations requires faith, courage, and commitment. Today our culture is influencing people in powerful ways to disregard God’s commandments and use their own judgment over God’s Word.

Learn to Admit Your Mistakes and Own Them.

This is extremely difficult for anyone because it requires maturity and humility, and both are in short supply. Admitting you are wrong means, you are not perfect and have hurt someone or messed up. If we double down on our refusal to admit wrong, we must blame someone else for the problem. Usually, it is our stubbornness and arrogance that keeps us from owning our mistakes. As hard as this is, admitting our mistakes causes people to respect us because they see our authenticity.

Learn to be Thoughtful & Prayerful And Not Impulsive.

Unfortunately, most people are impulsive and need to be more thoughtful. They react to situations. Impulsivity is dangerous. It’s when we respond to something and are angry or confused. We want something, so we make a reckless decision. It is rarely the right decision. In marriage and parenting, and work, it is usually not helpful. How much better it is to be thoughtful and prayerful and take our time to think out the best course of action. Nothing is wrong with stating, “I will take some time to think about what to do.”

Don’t Worry About Your Reputation—Let God Take Care of It.

Patience is almost as scarce as being thoughtful; they go hand-hand. We worry about our reputation and what people think of us because we want to be admired. But that is a pitfall because, in the end, it only matters what God thinks. If we learn to live this way, we will find freedom—freedom from peer pressure and freedom from living to please people.

The Rock

 

The nation of Israel journeyed from Egypt to Canaan but often found themselves lacking food and water. On one occasion, they became so thirsty as they trekked through the desert that they became extremely anxious. Eventually, they became infuriated with Moses and demanded he give them water to quench their incredible thirst. The critical point of the story is their inability to maintain self-control in tough times and trust God. God had already provided water when they had none and food when they were hungry. They could have prayed to him and believed he would meet their need again, but they didn’t.

They sinned in three ways making the story relevant because we, too, have trouble trusting God to meet our needs. First, they demanded God’s provision immediately (Ex 17:2). The sin here is demanding God’s provision—not asking for it or waiting for it, but insisting on it. They were telling God that he had to give them what they wanted or else. Secondly, they denied God’s security (Exodus 17:3). They assumed the worse and began to predict a calamitous end for all of them. They quickly concluded that God had abandoned them and left them to die. All this pointed to their lack of trust. It does not follow logic that God would have sent the plagues and opened the Red Sea just to let his people die of thirst. Thirdly, they doubted that God was actually with them (Exodus 17:7). If only they had remembered what God had done for them.

God’s answer was to provide water for the people in the middle of the desert (Ex 17:6). He gave instructions for Moses to strike a rock with his staff, and water would come out. God also promised to stand there before Moses at the rock. This was none other than an Old Testament theophany where Christ appeared in human history before the incarnation took place.

Moses moved toward the rock that God had pointed out. He is invigorated as he sees Christ standing near the rock. The Israelites trail Moses as he leads the thirsty Israelites to the rock. What an inspirational picture—let us lead this thirsty world to the rock, which is Christ Jesus. As Moses got closer to the rock, he could still hear the murmurings of the people behind him. However, his heart pounded with the assurance that God had spoken to him and that He would watch over his word to perform it. With every step, his faith grew stronger—just the sight of the rock inspired him and of the presence of the Lord of Hosts standing there. Moses lifted his rod high in the view of all the Elders of Israel and then struck the rock. Suddenly, as if a giant gate had been opened—water burst forth from that rock. The sight of the life-giving water running in the hot sand was almost more than the mind could grasp. The water gushed out with force and moved throughout the whole assembly of Israel, forming a beautiful flowing stream. I envision laughter and delight as thousands drank and played in that fresh water.