Self-Control, The Foundation of Maturity

Self-control is the most critical aspect of our character. All the other fruits of the Spirit, like love, joy, peace, kindness, and goodness, depend on self-control. This is essential for mature development in our lives and in our children. Obviously, if we don’t possess self-control, it’s hard to teach it to our children. You can’t yell at your kids and tell them to stop yelling. You can’t react in anger to rebuke your child for their anger. The control of our emotions sets the example, and says to the child, “Watch me and do this.” If we want to experience the emotions that bring fulfillment and satisfaction, they will only happen within the boundaries of self-control. Take love, for example:

Love has many facets, as Chapter 13 of 1 Corinthians explains. One of the most important ones is patience. The old English translation of patience is long-suffering. Listening to someone angry, resentful, or hurt is not easy. To do so requires a great deal of patience or suffering. We have to be disciplined enough not to be provoked and, at the same time, not be quick to react in defensive behavior. Our usual reaction is to fight back if we feel attacked, which only escalates the conflict. We are talking about the ability to withstand the frustration of listening to someone who is just as flawed and messed up as we are. Long-suffering or forbearance invites God into the situation, which lessens resentment or anger.

As Solomon wisely said, “Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools” (Eccl. 7:9). Only a fool is defensive; he will not hear the matter out. Only a fool will respond with accusations before listening to the other person. Solomon also said, “The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride” (Eccl. 7:8). There will be an abundance of unresolved conflict when there is a deficit of patience and long-suffering. Resolving a matter is better than quitting in the middle with both people extremely upset. We all experience conflict but do not know how to fix it.

Deescalating an argument and resolving the differences that initiated the disagreement are learned skills. These skills take work, especially if the model we grew up with was an unresolved conflict with anger and resentment. What helps us know patience is to ask ourselves, “What can I do to resolve this?” We need to listen and hear what the other person is saying. We must take responsibility for our mistakes, apologize, and ask for forgiveness. We need to keep working on our attitudes.