The Power of Contempt

When we experience the disdain of another person, especially if that person is more powerful than we are, we experience shame. That is the typical response unless we have learned to overcome this power trap. An incredible example is found in David as he went to fight the giant, Goliath, how he did not allow this trap to affect him.

Picture the scene where the armies are arranged facing each other with a valley between them. Goliath came out from the Philistine lines twice daily and shouted his challenge for someone to fight him. He had done this for some forty days. At last, there was a response from the Israelite side—a teenager was walking out toward the Philistine.

The giant moved closer to whatever was coming toward him, but what he saw infuriated him. Goliath was intimidating because of his over 9 feet height, his armor, and his weapons, but also because of his threatening language and his rage.

The giant finally arrived at the point where he could see his opponent. The sight of David filled him with rage and contempt, “He looked David over and saw that he was little more than a boy, glowing with health and handsome, and he despised him” (1 Sam 17:42). What he saw filled him with contempt. This was nothing more than a boy. He said to David, “Am I a dog, that you come at me with sticks?” The giant cursed David by his gods (1 Sam 17:34). Goliath was confident of victory and declared he would feed David to the wild animals.

To be held in contempt of another is one of the most challenging things we can endure. That disdain is only more deadly if the person is more powerful than us. A woman remembers playing basketball on a school team and even scoring the winning points. All her dad had to say was, “You run like a duck.” She never forgot those words and developed a severe weight problem from that moment on. It took her years to regain control of her weight and get over the shame.

A young man always had to dry dishes when he was young. He would ask if he could wash them. His dad would say you would do a lousy job, so no, you can dry, and that’s it. Later, this young man bought his dad a recliner for his birthday, which was a sacrifice, but his dad only complained that he didn’t like it. Later, when the young man moved out, he told his son to take it. The young man played the piano, but in his head, he could hear his father telling him that he would never play the piano as well as he could.

David overcame that contempt by knowing his identity came from God. He fought Goliath in the name of the Lord and not his own strength. This is the secret of freeing ourselves from the disdain of others more powerful than us.

Overcoming Shame

Everyone experiences shaming situations in life because we live in an imperfect world. The worst kind of shame is when it is associated with our own personal worth and accomplishments. The shaming experience makes us feel we are not worth nearly as much as we thought we were because of the obvious rejection we feel. Then once shame takes hold, it can hijack control of our lives.[1]

Here is an example of what I am talking about from the life of General U. S. Grant. After graduating from West Point with the rank of Second Lieutenant, he was feeling pretty good.  He was eager to wear his new tailored uniform so old schoolmates and particularly the girls could be impressed. But that is not how things turned out. When Grant rode into Cincinnati in his new uniform with his sword dangling at his side, he expected to be admired. Instead, he was made fun of. The shame sent a powerful message to Grant’s psyche that he didn’t matter. Throughout the remainder of his career, he would go to great lengths to avoid wearing full service dress, and he never wore a sword unless ordered.[2]  

I still remember the day I opened my first bank account with “Reverend” in front of the name. The woman across the desk asked, “This must be a mistake?” Her words were spoken in an incredulous tone because I was so young. However, the incident caused me never to use the word Reverend again with my name.

We all have these kinds of experiences that shape our lives and in some cases actually hijack our future and the quality of our interaction with people. Our self-esteem plummets, and we withdraw, giving in to the message that we are so much less than we ever thought we were.

The best antidote for such appalling experiences is in the healing presence of our God. Isaiah the prophet said that we are saved through repentance and then we quietly learn to trust God. When we do, we slowly get strong enough to overcome such devastating experiences. Though we may have been shamed and the hurt still lingers, God longs to show us grace and compassion (Isaiah 30:15-18). As destructive as shame is, it is never beyond the reach of God’s grace.

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[1] Brown, Brene (2012-09-11). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (p. 64). Penguin Group US. Kindle Edition.

[2] Smith, Jean Edward (2001-06-29). Grant (Kindle Locations 363-373). Simon & Schuster. Kindle Edition.

Secure in God

How important is our self-esteem? Pretty important when you consider that many people we meet on a daily basis are very insecure. Maybe you remember the man who kept piling on his exploits so everyone would be impressed or the woman who never let anyone else talk. They were both trying to earn approval from people because of their insecurities. We get most of our security in the first three years of our lives from the loving bond with mom and dad. Something wonderful happens in a child’s life when she realizes that she is loved unconditionally. However, we can only get another part from God. He is our creator, and we long for his affirmation until we are secure in him.

As secure and unconditional as the love we received from our parents is, it can never hold a light to God’s unconditional love for each of us. He loves us despite our faults and shortcomings, and he never changes his love. He loves us even when we are unworthy of his love. When we come to God, no matter what the occasion, he is ready and willing to embrace us with his love.

I play this little game with one of my two-year-old granddaughters: I say, “Are you grandpa’s girl?” She usually answers, “No, I’m grandma’s girl or mommy’s girl.” I respond by saying, “What!” and she giggles. The other night, however, at an outside barbecue she came up to me said, “Grandpa, can I hold you?” I, of course, picked her up and sat her down on my lap, and we had some Cheez-Its together. I asked her, “Whose girl are you?” She responded, “Grandpa’s girl.” I very well knew that the next time grandma or mommy appeared I would be outclassed, but that never kept me from loving my little granddaughter when she asked to be held. Likewise, when we come to God, regardless of the reason, he never questions the motive but extends his loving arms to us. In fact, that is what Jesus said:

Matthew 11:28-30

28 "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. 29 Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 30 For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."