Getting Rid of Bitterness

We all want things to be put right in this world. Even criminals seek vengeance against those who wrong them. The stories that most people like in books and films are those that put things right. The bad guys get caught, and vengeance is taken. However, the Bible says that “vengeance belongs to the Lord” (Romans 12:19).

In the course of our lives, we suffer from the sinfulness of others and ourselves. The resulting desire to hurt someone who has hurt us is inevitable: “That person does not exist anymore to me.” It is a way to punish someone.

Absalom, David’s son, wanted vengeance on his brother, Amnon, for raping his sister Tamar. Absalom devised a plan to throw a grand feast and invite everyone, including his father(2 Samuel 13:24). He seemed to know his father would decline, which was what he counted on.

Absalom was very manipulative. He had learned from his father. It becomes evident in this conversation that he is manipulating the king. The plan was working. He wanted the king to feel uncomfortable at declining his invitation. Absalom gave every impression that he really wanted the king and his servants to come. David wished him well with the feast, but was still unwilling to attend himself.

Now it was time for Absalom to spring his trap. He wanted his brother, the crown prince, to be there. David was reluctant: “Why should he go with you?” (2 Samuel 13:26). Absalom overcame David’s hesitancy by making his invitation to all the king’s sons so that it seemed genuine. David had been fooled in a plan of folly by Amnon, and now it has happened a second time by Absalom.

Absalom gave instructions to his servants to kill his brother when he gave the order. Absalom believes he is meting out justice for the crime his brother committed and for which he was never punished. Amnon had wrecked his sister’s life, and now the time has arrived for him to pay.

The earlier sinful actions of David are reflected in the actions of his sons. As David gave in to his lust which eventually led to murder, so now Amnon’s giving in to his lust led to another murder. David’s boys were contaminated by his sin as we all are by our sinful natures.

David had been aware of what Amnon had done to Tamar; however, he took no action against Amnon. He had been worried about Absalom’s request to send Amnon to his feast, but had been unable to refuse him. Absalom had killed Amnon and then fled. David mourned for Amnon for the rest of his life. David was furious with Absalom, just as he had been with Amnon. However, he did not take action.

Dr. Paul Brand in God’s Forever Feast tells an amazing story. Dr. Richard Dawson learned something significant while serving in the British Army during World War II. Dawson spent some time in a brutal Japanese prison camp. Daily, he watched soldiers dying of treatable illnesses. Most of the diseases and infections came from drinking contaminated water in the rivers and swamps near the camp. A little stomach virus, some dehydration—all perfectly treatable during peacetime—meant certain death in the prison camp.

One day, Dr. Dawson remembered a piece of advice someone once told him: the water of an unripe coconut is almost always sterile. Coconuts grew in abundance around the banks of the swamps. Dr. Dawson began cutting down coconuts and using the water inside as an intravenous fluid for his dehydrated men. Soon, many of the men recovered their health. Dr. Dawson marveled at the fact that those coconuts, full of pure, sterile water, grew beside contaminated swamps and rivers. Evidently, the tree's root system absorbed contaminated water—which was killing the men—and transformed it into something pure and life-giving. 

The cultural water we drink in the world around us tells us to take our vengeance. This was the contaminated water that Absalom was drinking. It made him sick—he believed his only alternative was to murder his brother. He was wrong—God’s alternative was better—forgiveness. Absalom was confused because David took no corrective measures against Amnon. If David had, it might have prevented this terrible tragedy. Still, this only made it worse for Absalom—it fed his hatred. We are told to leave vengeance to the Lord. We have to forgive so we can live. Hatred and bitterness poison the soul and spirit and sap the life out of us.

I recently went to Urgent Care because I had a splinter in a finger, and it became infected. The doctor said I am going to numb your finger with a shot, and it is going to hurt—she wasn’t lying. That, however, was necessary to get the infection out. The doctor prescribed an antibiotic to combat the infection. That is what God’s forgiveness is to our spirit. If the infection remains, the problem only gets worse. We need God’s antidote for bitterness and resentment—it is called forgiveness.

 

Living Out of the World’s Suitcase

In the 1980s, my father accompanied me on a trip to speak at a youth camp in Salta, one of the northern provinces of Argentina. We rode a bus to get there with all the luggage stacked on top of the bus. When we arrived in Salta several hours later, my dad's suitcase was not there. He had to live out of my suitcase for the entire camp. It was uncomfortable because he had to wear clothes that didn't fit him. Everyone has their own things they feel most comfortable with, so it was an inconvenience.  In a few days, we returned home, and an interesting thing happened later that week in the city of Tucuman, where we lived. Our neighbor, Mussy, after hearing of our plight with the missing suitcase, noticed in the newspaper that the police had published a notice of a suitcase belonging to Mr. Brooks. We immediately went to the police and surprisingly were able to reclaim the lost suitcase. Even though it had fallen off the bus over 200 miles away, someone had dropped it off in our city.

It's ironic how many people have misplaced or lost their God-given suitcases. They are living life out of someone else's suitcase. They are impressed with someone else's talent, skill, or beauty and try to be somebody else. How much better to find your own bag of skills, talents, and personality and use what God has given you for his glory. Only when we are who we were meant to be will we be content. Worse than that is trying to wear the world's clothes when we follow Christ. Paul wrote to the Ephesians about putting off the clothes that belong to this world and putting on the clothes that the Spirit gives us.

The greatest work of the Spirit is to produce the fruits in our lives. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control” (Galatians 5:22-23). The Holy Spirit is involved in our progress by allowing him to grow those fruits. The Holy Spirit rejoices or grieves over us (Ephesians 4:30). Paul encourages the Ephesians to stop lying, control their anger, don’t steal, but work instead and stop speaking unwholesome talk (Eph 4:24-30). This is the world suitcase. It is easy to lie, get angry, steal, and talk with profane words. Paul encourages us to throw these clothes away and "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you" (Eph 4:32).

When my first granddaughter was very small, we used to go to Jeff City occasionally to take care of her for a few hours. We were doing that one day, but she never wanted anything to do with me, just her grandma. Of course, that was challenging to take, but I was determined to win her over. On this occasion, Marilyn was in the bathroom, blow-drying her hair. Adela was outside the door crying for her, but Grandma couldn't hear her. Finally, Adela got tired and approached me with her arms wide open as if to say, " OK, I don't have any other options. I took her in my arms; that is where she has been ever since. Forgiveness can feel like that sometimes. We resist and resist until we finally give in, and then we realize that is what we needed all the time.

The Sinister Power of Guilt

 

People who get hurt or hurt other people experience the powerful emotions of guilt and shame. Unless they allow God to heal their hearts, they will carry this shame with them all their lives. Joseph’s brothers demonstrate this after they returned to Egypt after burying their father in Canaan, “What if Joseph holds a grudge against us and pays us back for all the wrongs we did to him?” (Gen 50:15).

Their fears were unfounded, and their thoughts were completely irrational. Joseph’s words and actions toward them had been consistent with his forgiveness of them. He had never spoken one way and then acted another way. Look at what he said to them 17 years earlier: “And now, do not be distressed and do not be angry with yourselves for selling me here, because it was to save lives that God sent me ahead of you” (Gen 45:5).

The years following their reconciliation with Joseph had been good. But, now that their father was gone, the sinister power of guilt began to raise its ugly head. Joseph had done nothing to justify their fears. When we suffer loss, our minds often return to the past. Clearly, it was guilt that drove their apprehension. It is incredible the torture that guilt and shame can do to us if left to do its foul work.

It appears that though Joseph had forgiven them, they had not asked his forgiveness, and indeed, they had not forgiven themselves. Some people will tell you just to forget the past and get over it. However, if there is pain and hurt, you will never be able to forget the past. Time heals all wounds is simply not true. We must deal with the past. There are strong emotions of rejection, anger, hurt, and many more that hang in limbo. We cannot change our past, but we must change how we see and feel about the past by forgiving the people who have hurt us or asking their forgiveness if we have hurt them. We must release our claim that they make it up to us.

If we have wronged people, we must address it, apologize to those we have hurt, and make things right.  We are not so much changing the past as we are redeeming the past. Joseph’s brothers knew nothing of this redemption. His brothers now sought Joseph’s forgiveness which he has already given. So they sent word to Joseph, saying, “Your father left these instructions before he died: ‘This is what you are to say to Joseph: I ask you to forgive your brothers the sins and the wrongs they committed in treating you so badly.’ Now please forgive the sins of the servants of the God of your father.” (Gen 50:16-18).

The message they sent to Joseph was likely a made-up story. There is no evidence Jacob had given this command for Joseph to forgive his brothers. Joseph had not done anything to cause his father to believe that he would harm his brothers. This is the work of shame. It is what shame and guilt do to people. If they do not realize they are forgiven and have not indeed faced the bad they have done—they will be slaves to shame.

When their message came to him, Joseph wept. Joseph’s forgiveness had already been given, and they had lived out his forgiveness for 17 years but had not fully comprehended what had been done for them. Does this not remind us of our inability at times to grasp the depth of God’s forgiveness for us? Joseph did not scold them or belittle them, although it was painful for him. Instead, he comforted them and promised to protect and provide for them the same God does for us.

  (Parenting with a Long View) https://bovdbrooks.com/

Joseph’s Testimony

 

The book of Genesis wants us to know Joseph’s testimony. That is understandable because it is one of the most powerful found in the Bible. The betrayals and disappointments could have sidelined Joseph for good, but they were only stepping stones to more incredible things. Most importantly, God gave Joseph insight into his own life that he summed up in his testimony around the names of his two sons:

Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” The second son he named Ephraim and said, “It is because God has made me fruitful in the land of my suffering” (Gen 41:50-52).

Manasseh means “he who causes to forget.” We, too, have been demeaned, hurt, betrayed, and abandoned. The pain of that hurt will not leave us. It affects how we think, how we feel, and how we view the past, present, and future. We feel powerless and think that our life is pretty much over.

But, this isn’t Joseph’s testimony! He says that God made him forget all his trouble—those terrible things that once haunted him. It is an admission that he once hated, once felt sorry for himself, but God took it away. God changed how he looked at his own life, his past, and his future. Some things will hinder us from moving forward unless they are forgotten, but we will not be able to do that on our own. God, however, can make us forget the pain so we can move on.

Joseph named his second son, Ephraim, which means “fertile.” Forgetting the bad things is the first step; growing is the second step. God made Joseph fruitful, and where did he do it? Right in the middle of his suffering. This is a most remarkable feat when God takes someone who has emotionally and spiritually died and helps them begin to grow again. They grow and grow and eventually produce fruit, something that long ago seemed impossible!

In later years, Joseph looked back with gratitude and said that the only reason he survived the terrible ordeal done to him was that God helped him forget. Amazingly, God enabled Joseph to forgive the cruelty that had been dealt him. Consequently, Joseph experienced freedom when he forgave his brothers and the others who had betrayed him. When Joseph let the hurts go through forgiveness, he unleashed a new future where good things would grow. Only God can help you do that. Joseph knew why things were going well. It was because God planted him in Egypt and made him fruitful in the land of his affliction.

Resolving It

 

 

The Parable of the Prodigal Son found in Luke’s Gospel is such a compelling story. The principles and truths Jesus communicated in this parable are amazing. The conflict between the father and son is palpable. The son’s decisions bring adverse consequences that cut him off from his father and his home. The father agrees to let the son go. After a long separation, the son realizes the foolishness of his estrangement from his father and decides to go home. The question he cannot answer is will his father forgive him and accept him.

 We see the power of forgiveness at work in the reunion of the father and the son. Forgiveness did its astonishing work—no more agonizing memories of regret and shame for the son. Luke beautifully describes the encounter between the two in these words: “But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him; he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him” (Luke 15:20). It that moment, in that embrace, the father forgave the son and resolved the question of acceptance. The father resolved the issue between him and his son through forgiveness.

 The brain has a way of organizing itself and closing out memories that are resolved, but those that are not resolved will continue to haunt us. They repeatedly play as if they ask for resolution, but the never-ending cycle causes us unbearable pain.

 You have seen waiters in restaurants who can take an order of large numbers of people without writing it down. Psychologist Bluma Zeigarnik tested many of those waiters and found that as soon as the order was delivered to the kitchen, they forgot the order. This is called the Zeigarnik Effect. The brain dismisses it because the issue was resolved; the brain hangs on to things that are not resolved, but it lets go of things that are resolved. This is what happens when we experience the forgiveness of God through his grace. Its resolved! There is no need to replay it, no need to relive it because God has resolved it.

 When an unresolved issue that has caused us pain lies buried deep in our memory, we do not think about it until something triggers it. Then as the memory resurfaces, but so does the pain and all the accompanying emotions. These unresolved issues cause us to act out our feelings of indifference, coldness, and hurt.

 Is it possible to resolve long-standing issues deeply anchored in painful experiences and recorded in our brains? Yes, it is! Sometimes it’s helpful to talk out the problem and try to understand the context of the painful encounter. How did this happen? Who was involved? What do I now know that I did not know when this happened? Who is to blame for what happened? Finally, the resolution is obtained through God’s forgiveness. When we realize how big God’s forgiveness is toward us, it helps us forgive those who have hurt us—including ourselves. When it is resolved through forgiveness, it no longer occupies memory because we can let it go.