The Spirit of Amnon

Children acquire patterns of behavior and attitudes from their parents—some good and some destructive. And since that invariable happens, the faults and failings of parents are prone to show up in their children. Whether they do or not, children will be affected by them in one way or another. This is illustrated in the life of David as his son, Amnon, gravitates to his father’s worst faults.

David had received judgments from God for his sin, though he had been forgiven. The prophet Nathan said, “…the sword will never depart from your house” (2 Samuel 12:10). David had already seen this in the death of his child from Bathsheba. The principle of sowing and reaping was clearly demonstrated in David’s family (Galatians 6:8).

Amnon is David’s eldest son; he is the most obvious candidate to inherit David’s throne. Amnon said that he loved his sister, Tamar, and wanted her. “Loved” was Amnon’s word for what he felt toward Tamar, but he was deluded; there was no love for his sister, only incestuous lust. He did not love her but only wanted to exploit her for his gratification. His desire grew stronger. He was consumed by frustration, so Amnon devised a plan to manipulate everyone involved and find a way to be alone with Tamar.

Amnon had never been taught any restraint, nor had he been taught right from wrong. When parents refuse to restrain their sons and daughters, they are creating in them the spirit of Amnon. When parents do not teach right from wrong, they are sowing the seeds of destruction.

Amnon manipulated his father into allowing his sister to come to his house and cook for him. He planned to rape her. His father was complicit since he was so disconnected from his son.

Tamar was unaware of what was going on in Amnon’s mind. When Amnon commanded her to come to bed with him, she protested, “Don’t do it, Amnon.” It is wicked! It is wrong, Amnon! Think about the effect on me! What will be the impact on you? You will erase your reputation in one day, and you will be known as a fool.”

What is so shocking is that as soon as Amnon had his gratification, he hated her more than he loved her (2 Samuel 13:15). Amnon’s “love” suddenly became hate through the sexual violation.  The selfishness of his violation of Tamar had revealed his delusion that he “loved” her. He could not bear to have her in his presence any longer. To see her was to see his own shame and guilt. He commanded a servant to cast her out and bolt the door.

Can you imagine how hard this must have been for the servant to put the king’s daughter outside against her will? What a terrible position to put this servant in the middle of this horrible mess.

A daughter needs her father’s protection and affirmation. It was missing in Tamar’s life. David was passive in his relationships with his children, giving them everything they wanted but not everything they needed. It is clear that he failed to provide protection and affirmation to Tamar, and he also did not offer guidance and direction to his sons.

This was a terrible thing that happened—a brother raped his sister, and all David does is get mad (2 Samuel 13:21). He doesn’t comfort Tamar, he doesn’t discipline Amnon. He doesn’t even talk to him. This is part of the reason that Absalom gets so angry and waits for an opportunity to kill his brother, because this situation was ignored.

Fathers and mothers, if you care for your children, then guard your own integrity. Look at how the sinfulness of David seems to have produced a weakness in him. It has left him powerless to refrain his sons from their evil choices.

Parents, you are not being a good parent when you give your child everything they want. You think you are, but you are not. Your child needs to understand that you are the parent and hold authority. Sometimes you will say yes, and sometimes you will say no. If you let the child decide what you are doing or not doing, you will only be creating the spirit of Amnon. You don’t have to be mean; in fact, you should always be loving and kind, but you should be in control of your children when you are raising them.

A Time of Waiting

 No one likes waiting—it’s hard. We say things like, “What’s taking so long?” “What’s the holdup?”  “Don’t they have any competent people around here?” Waiting is uncomfortable. We feel we are wasting time that could be spent more profitably. “I could be doing a hundred other things I want to do.” Waiting, however, is part of life. We wait our turn at the checkout, at the doctor’s office, and in traffic, but most importantly, we wait on God.

Yes, God makes us wait, too. Why would he do that? He does that because we are not ready, so we wait. David had been chosen king but wasn’t prepared, so God had him go through a period of waiting that lasted 13 years. Yikes, we say! David, however, learned to wait. He said, “I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope” (Ps 130:5).

The book of 1 Samuel ends with the death of King Saul. This was the king that the people hoped would deliver them from their enemies, but now he was dead. 1 Samuel opens with these words: “After the death of Saul, David returned from striking down the Amalekites and stayed in Ziklag two days” (2 Samuel 1:1). There is a lot in these words. The Philistines defeated Saul and drove him to suicide. He died an utter failure. The people would have lamented, “We had hoped that he was the one to redeem Israel.” There is an implied question in the first verse of 2 Samuel, “What will happen after the death of Saul”? If Saul could not keep us safe, what hope was there?

It reminds us of what the followers of Jesus felt after Jesus died on the cross. “but we had hoped that he was the one who was going to redeem Israel” (Luke 24:21). Jesus’ shameful, humiliating death dashed the hopes of those who had believed in him, just as the death of Saul had shattered the hope of his followers. Some saw Jesus’ terrible death and Saul’s as God’s judgment.

While Saul was gone, there was one victorious person, David. Any hope in Saul was now gone. The narrator tells us that “David returned from striking down the Amalekites and stayed in Ziklag two days” (2 Sam 1:1). Something was happening even though it didn’t look like it. God was working. Those two days were dark, just as they were when Jesus was in the grave, but on the third day, Jesus arose from the dead. In the story of Saul, on the third day, all the attention will turn to David. The lesson is that when all hope is gone—it’s not—God is always doing something for our good. David would become Israel’s greatest king, and Jesus would conquer death be our eternal king.

 

 

 

The Little Ones

 Yesterday, I plugged my phone in to charge it, and it gave me a message that I was charging it too often. It said I should charge less if I wanted to extend the battery’s life. Now, that is simply a phone that is too smart for its own good. Today, we look at a passage where Jesus’ disciples had gotten too smart for their own good. Mark tells us (Mark 9:33) that they got into an argument over which of them was the greatest. Then they asked Jesus, “Who, then, is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven?” (Matthew 18:1).

Were they arguing about who had done the greatest deeds?  They had seen Jesus do some remarkable things, and they themselves had done some pretty heady stuff. Peter, for example, had walked on water. He witnessed the transfiguration. The temptation to be proud is almost overwhelming in moments like these. They were all thinking, “We have done some pretty remarkable things,” which caused them to ask this ridiculous question: “Who among us is presently the greatest?”

Jesus answered by bringing a child in front of them. He told them they had to become like children if they wanted to go to heaven.

What is so surprising about that is that children were the lowest of the lowest in the ancient world. They had no clout and no importance, especially girls.  Jesus told them, “And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me” (Matt 18:5).

Each child is distinct, with its own personality and traits. Each one is a gift from God. We must treat them with dignity and refrain from comparing them. Each one of us is a gift from God as a Child of God.

Jesus warned those who do not value children. He uses some of the strongest languages ever.

Matthew 18:6-7 “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. 7 Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!

He goes on to warn us that if we are sinning or causing these little ones to sin, we should deal with it and cut it out immediately. If what we see, do, or think affects others in a bad way, we should consider how God feels about these little ones. Jesus goes on to tell us that these little ones have angels in heaven advocating for them (Matt 18:10). Do we really want to despise what God values?

 

 

Kids & Parents

The Apostle Paul tells parents not to exasperate their kids: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Literally, it means not to provoke your children into anger. Parents can do that in several ways.  Parents can be unreasonable. Some parents ask things beyond the child’s capability or make demands that frustration becomes inevitable. When children relate their acceptance to their performance, they develop problems. If they are compared with others, their self-esteem will be stunted. Having perfectionistic parents is unreasonable because a child will never be able to meet the parents’ expectations.

Critical parents who find fault can also exasperate their children. When your child feels loved and unconditionally accepted for being himself, regardless of how he measures up to external standards, he will have less defensive behavior. However, suppose your child experiences only conditional acceptance and feels compelled to measure up. In that case, he will have a fragile self-esteem. The low self-esteem will affect his thinking and undermine his self-confidence.

If disappointed with your child, you may react by withholding affection. She views your actions as highlighting her worthlessness. On the other hand, if you state that you are disappointed in her behavior but affirm your love for her, she will feel secure. Every child desperately needs to know that consequences for unacceptable behavior are necessary. Still, her behavior will never diminish your unconditional love.

Parents can exasperate their children by neglecting them. Never was a child more neglected than Absalom. He wanted his father’s attention and approval but never got it. Absalom had fled from home after he killed his older brother Amnon for raping his sister. David never dealt with the situation but neglected it. Absalom was asked to come home after several years, hoping to see his father, but it still did not happen. Not until he set General Joab’s field on fire did he get someone’s attention. Then, he finally got to see his father. Neglect makes kids set fires emotionally and every other way.

If we will raise our children in God’s way, we must recognize humanity’s inherent sinfulness. Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).

The world tells us that we are good and that human nature is improving, which is the exact opposite of what the scriptures teach. The Bible says that our nature, left alone, is beyond cure. The world tells us that all you need to do to raise good, obedient children is build their self-esteem—this is your number one task of parenting. That is important, but it must be built with discipline and respect—respect for you, the parent, and respect for God.

 Bob Russell writes about his mother: 

When I was a teenager my mother had a rule: Don't ever bring your girlfriend to our house when no one is here. And I'd always say, "Mom, why? Don't you trust me?" And she always had the same standard answer. "No. That's too much temptation." She did not say, "It looks bad to other people. I don't trust her; I do trust you." She said, "No, that's too much temptation." I would act like I was really hurt. My own mother doesn't trust me. That's terrible. I'd walk away and deep inside I would think, My mother's pretty sharp. She knows what I'm thinking. My mother believed in the sin nature--that it needed to be restrained more than my self-esteem needed to be boosted. Otherwise maybe I wouldn't be here today.[i]

 

[i] Bob Russell, When Teens Rebel, Preaching Today Tap #207.

When a Child Feels Loved

Today is an excellent opportunity for me to talk about one of my favorite subjects--raising kids. An essential element of responsive parenting is the quality of the interactions between the child and the parent. How responsive the parent is to the child’s needs is critical. If the parent uses encouragement, praise, and physical affection, it dramatically affects the child. Children who receive parental warmth tend to engage less in antisocial behavior. When children and teens feel valued, accepted, and loved, they are more inclined to internalize parental values and attitudes.  

When a child feels loved, he will feel special. God communicated that special love to Israel by referring to them as the apple of his eye (Deut. 32:10). A child shown through her parents’ love that she is unique will develop healthy self-esteem.

Children develop cognitive and emotional capabilities early in life primarily due to observing their parents. When children see such behaviors as helping, sharing, and serving, they internalize and use them, just as they internalize bad behavior of lying, disrespect, and defiance. When mom and dad disrespect each other, the kids will imitate this. You may have heard them pretending to be grown up, and your conversations and actions are played out.

Most of a child’s behaviors are acquired through the daily exchanges of the household between the children and the parents. There is greater acceptance of correction when a parent explains the reason for implementing a new behavior for the child. Behavior modification that functions on a reward system works for tiny children. Still, as the children get older, they need clear explanations that make sense from their parents. The more cooperative the co-parenting style is between the mother and father, the better the children will feel about themselves and the more respectful and better they will feel toward other people.

The emotional development of the child will positively impact their social relationships later in life. The result of a consistent, responsive parenting style, which is strong on warmth, clear communication, and control, solves problem behavior much faster by helping to eliminate confusion with clarity and make the child feel accepted.

 

 

Raising Kids with a Long View

We are told that Samuel was a man of God, and at the end of his life, no one could find fault with him, but his sons were another story. Their description is: “But his sons did not walk in his ways. They turned aside after dishonest gain and accepted bribes and perverted justice” (1 Samuel 8:3).

We have no idea what happened with Samuel’s sons. Was he too busy and away from home too much? Did he spoil his sons by giving them anything and everything? Did he and his wife leave them to work out their problems and fail to teach them how to resolve their challenges? Most of all, did they fail to teach them how to love and follow God?

Raising a family today is a challenging task. Many young parents are overwhelmed with parenting and are very discouraged. They are dealing with marital conflict, financial problems, life problems, and disagreement in a parenting style. Add to this that many young couples are isolated from extended families, making them feel all alone.

However, God wants the family to succeed. After all, it was his idea. The scriptures are encouraging, and when we ask God for wisdom, he will not deny us. James writes: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5).

Our task is to lovingly and positively teach the children God has given us.  They belong to Him, and they are on loan from him.  We must prepare them to fight their spiritual battles in a dangerous world with reasonable arguments that make sense to them.  We are to pray over them daily.  To succeed at this task, parents must establish their God-given authority and don’t allow it to be usurped by the school, culture, or their own children.  We have been given the greatest responsibility and privilege.  We have not been asked to be their best friends but their parents.

 

Confrontation is Essential

 

You can do amazing things with cement, but you must be prepared for it when it comes, and you must work with it until you have what your desire. First, you must prepare the ground and set the forms, which must be rechecked. Then you must be able to work with the cement, pour it into the forms, and let it set up. This is not to say that you choose your child’s life partner and occupation, but in a sense you do. You give the child a foundation from which the child can begin to build. The parent that believes loving their child is enough is mistaken and will probably one day be shamed by their own child. And much of the blame will rest with the parent because they failed to train the child through discipline.

If you have a child you don’t enjoy being around, and no one else does either, you have a problem that should be addressed promptly. It won’t go away on its own. A child needs boundaries. They flourish with boundaries and often try to figure out where the boundaries are.

While Eli, the priest (1 Samuel 2), was ignoring his son’s bad behavior, God was preparing a leader in the small child, Samuel. The narrative points us to a small boy ministering before the Lord. We should never discount the training and the potential of children. They must be trained and disciplined if they are going to be the person God has for them to be. To have a fool for a child brings grief; there is no joy for the parent of a godless fool” (Prov 17:21). If you think a child will grow up without discipline to be a wonderful person, you are sadly mistaken. As a parent, do not despise discipline and training. It is your friend and the transforming process for the child. Eli had difficulty with discipline regarding his sons. He was the kind of parent who wanted his sons to be happy, and he certainly did not like confrontation. His sons, however, became worthless and corrupt; they were stealing and committing immoral acts. Eli knew but did not want to confront them.

Eli’s attempt to confront his sons showed his weakness in dealing with them. Most likely, this is how he has always dealt with them, telling them what is correct but leaving them to keep doing their own thing. There is a lack of resolve to deal with the problem. Where is the outrage? Where is the shame? Where is the anger? Where is the action? Confrontation is not easy, but our integrity demands action. We cannot allow corruption to continue if it is within our power to end it. Anything less would be indifference, which we see in Eli. We are not helpless unless we believe we are. It is called “Learned Helplessness.” We must love and affirm our children, but we must also discipline them and, at times, confront them. We cannot allow a two year or a teenager to be disrespectful and out of control—we must engage them. If not, they will hurt themselves and others as they grow older into adulthood.