Learning to Compromise in Marriage

Families play a lot of games, games of control. The players are both parents and children, and they all learn to manipulate and even use deception to get what they want. As a result, dysfunctional patterns develop and are passed on to each succeeding generation. For example, when parents give in over and over to a five-year-old, they are teaching the child that you can always have your way. This child will learn to manipulate people to continue to get her way as she gets older. Even within the pages of scripture, some of the most famous people had some very dysfunctional problems and played these games.

The patriarch Isaac never reached any understanding with his wife, Rebekah, on many different issues in their family.  When it came to parenting, Isaac and Rebekah were not on the same page. They had both chosen their favorite child, and they worked against each other.  

Conflict can be aggressive or passive, but it always brings confusion. The message being sent to their children, Jacob and Esau, by their parents was that Mom and Dad didn’t agree (Gen 27:1-40). Dad was going to ignore God’s word to do what he wanted, and Mom was willing to deceive Dad to get her own way. When parents fail to show respect for each other, children are left in bewilderment, causing them to disrespect their parents, one another, and others. Essentially, how they grow up treating each other is how they will treat their future spouses.

The one thing we need to give our children is authenticity. We must learn to truly be who we are to our children if they are going to be themselves. If we don’t, we will effectively teach them to imitate others, thus robbing them of the strength of their authenticity. Isaac and Rebekah did not know how to resolve their problems and come to some middle ground regarding parenting, so they dealt with their problems in dysfunctional ways.

The story of Isaac and Rebekah and their family is all too common today. The parents’ refusal to compromise with each other and work together brought isolation to their family. Jacob was forced to flee and was gone for twenty years and most likely never saw his mother again. Jacob's deception of his father and brother was a habit that continued in his life. He, too, was the recipient of exploitation at the hands of his Uncle Laban.

Families have these same kinds of problems because they refuse to get to the heart of their issues. When we are stuck, we have to identify the pattern and address changes that need to be made. Most often, that means that each person involved has to make compromises to be able to reach an understanding. Ignoring problems and living in alternate worlds, the way Isaac and Rebekah did, is painful and only brings more isolation. God will help us if we ask for his help, but we also have to be willing to put our stubbornness aside and listen to each other.

(Parenting with a Long View) 

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