A few days ago Marilyn and I completed 41 years of
marriage. The celebration of such a momentous event should have some comment. I thank God
for my wonderful wife and the beautiful family God has given to us. Marilyn and
I would say that making a marriage work is not easy, but it is so rewarding.
Strong marriages survive the decades of disappointments,
stress and problems because two people love each other. However, love alone is
not enough to sustain a marriage. Love is a powerful force, but, as we can see
all around us, people who once loved each other are no longer together. Those
whose marriages thrive through the years allow their love to be sustained by
the promise of marriage. The promise they made to each other was for life. No
love, no matter how pure, how intense, can sustain a marriage over the years,
but marriage can sustain a love.
God created marriage as his way of helping us keep our
promises to each other. He knew we wouldn’t live up to our promises without a
lifelong commitment. God wants marriages to survive because it is his plan. The
prophet Malachi explained that part of the reason Israel was suffering was “…the
Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because
you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your
marriage covenant” (Malachi 2:14). God knows what is lost when marriages don’t
survive. Often these two people who once loved each other carry the hurt with
them the rest of their lives. They are not the only ones hurt by this divorce.
Their children lose this God-given environment to grow up in and learn about
life in the best possible setting. Malachi explains that this is one of the
reasons for marriage, “Has not [the Lord] made them one? In flesh and spirit
they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring” (Malachi
2:15).
A strong marriage provides the best possible scenario
to raise children. Research shows that children of divorced mothers have poorer
and less stimulating home environments. Divorced mothers often have more
discipline problems with their children, and especially their sons.
Unfortunately, divorce usually leads to a decline in the frequency of contact
between the father and the children, thus weakening the father as a role model
for the children.
Divorce creates distance between parents and children.
It causes an emotional disruption with increased conflict that undermines the
children’s ability to trust their parents. It often takes years for children to
overcome the traumatic experience of divorce. The effects of divorce sometimes
cause young women from divorced families to feel a need for love and attention
and even a fear of abandonment. Men, on the other hand, whose parents divorced,
are inclined to have more hostile attitudes toward women. They find it
difficult to be open, affectionate, and cooperative. Children of divorced
parents often make poor choices when choosing a prospective wife or husband.
Divorce diminishes children’s capacity to handle
conflict. The primary role model in their lives for coping with conflict is
broken, and the result is devastating. During a divorce, conflict between
parents is often accompanied by less affection, less responsiveness, and more
inclination to punish their children, which leaves their children feeling emotionally insecure. Children
of divorced parents move away from their families of origin more often and
earlier than do children of intact marriages.
Children from divorced homes often develop a negative
attitude about marriage. This leads to decreased commitment to romantic
relationships, which in turn is related to lower relationship quality. Children
of divorced parents are more likely than children of always-married parents to
have more positive attitudes towards cohabitation and more negative attitudes
towards marriage. Abuse is much higher among stepchildren (divorced and
remarried) than among children of intact families.
Marriage is under attack as never before in our
nation. Marriage is being assaulted by divorce, and now, by the threat of a new
definition of marriage. Thirty-two states have affirmed traditional marriage by
an overwhelming majority, and four more states will vote to do so in November
of 2012. It is my prayer that God will help us preserve the blessed institution
of marriage.[1]
[1] Fagan, P, & Churchill, A, (2012) The effects of divorce on children, Marriage
& Religion Research Institute.
