Pursuing Love That Lasts a Lifetime

Today we are witnessing more and more couples choosing to live together versus getting married.[1] The statistics bear out that the longevity of these relationships is far less than those who get married.[2] There are many reasons for the decline in marriage, one being disillusionment with their parent’s model of marriage. Then, there is the idea of, Why make a life-long commitment when we do not know if this will work out or not?[3]  I have worked with scores and scores of couples, some married and some not. It is amazing that they all want the same thing out of the relationship. They want fidelity, loyalty, accountability, and commitment. Marriage is not a fail-safe guarantee of these things, but it certainly has the potential for them. Most people who live together and are not married often live with a single mind-set. They relate to each other as two single people living together. They have their own money, their own friends, their own interests, and not nearly as much accountability as they need.

The real pursuit of love—the kind that lasts a lifetime with an intimacy that does not fade away like the morning fog—seems to be an illusion to so many couples today. It is clear that people want authentic love but do not know how to find it. One of the reasons it is escaping them is that they are pursuing physical intimacy without emotional and spiritual intimacy. We live in a culture where feelings are assigned more importance than thoughts and where the present takes precedent over the future. In our wild pursuit to feel and experience happiness in love today, we have abandoned the ability to think beyond the present moment. In so doing, we are missing what we all long for.

God did not design us to live that way. He made us with a capacity to think—something that we have to learn how to do. God has a plan for each of us that is unique. We first have to experience God, the author of the plan. Then we learn to live out that plan with our minds and our hearts.  When we understand his design for our life, we are willing to pursue a love for a lifetime and not settle for immediate sexual gratification. We wait to discover love, with the incredible joy of experiencing all three: physical, emotional, and spiritual intimacy in a special place that God calls marriage.

The culture tells us today that it is too much to expect a young person to arrive at marriage without already having experienced sexual intimacy with several partners. That is a pernicious lie that is robbing thousands of young men and women of the love and intimacy they so long for. What is so incredible is that people actually believed the lie.

It is like sending a couple that has never eaten almonds into an almond orchard to gather some nuts and they come back with only the hulls. They complain that the nuts are not very good. To which you respond that is because you have not found the nuts, only the hulls. The emotional and physical intimacy that last a lifetime do not come from brief sexual encounters of seduction, but of commitment, marriage, and building a life and family together.

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[1] Bramlett, M., & Mosher, D. (2002). Cohabitation, marriage, divorce, and remarriage in the U.S.. Vital & Health Statistics, 23(22), 1-103.

[2] Thomas, A., & Sawhill, I. (2005). For love and money? The impact of family structure on family income. Future of Children, 15(2), 57-74.

[3] Park, M. (2003). Are married parents really better for children? What research says about the

effects of family structure on child well-being. Center for Law and Social Policy, Washington, D.C. 1-11. http://www.clasp.org

Being There for Your Family

There have been a few defining moments for me as a father and a husband. They were very special moments when I caught a glimpse of what marriage could be, the companionship, the intimacy and the joy of what was available if I wanted it. The question was, Would I work for it?  I decided I would. There were times that I had blown it and had to ask God to help me to change.  Those same kinds of moments happened for me as a father too. It first happened when I held those little lives for the first time and felt the awesome responsibility of those precious lives. Looking down into the face of these beautiful little people and realizing their future would be impacted by how I lived my life was an awesome moment for me.

Another example of what I am talking about was our return to Argentina for our second term. I went alone to prepare the way. I had to find us a place to live and then move our furniture and belongings 600 miles from Tucuman to Corrientes and get the house set up. Our year in the States had been saddened by the loss of Marilyn’s father but also overjoyed with the birth of our third child. When it was time for Marilyn, the 2 older kids and a baby to arrive, I flew to Buenos Aires to meet them. It was always a hassle to get through customs, and I could do nothing but watch through the glass as they struggled through customs. After the long and tiring trip, we stayed in Buenos Aires for the night and left the next day for Corrientes.

When we arrived in Corrientes, we knew no one, so we took a taxi with our suitcases to the house. When my family walked into the strange house in a strange city after leaving our families in the States, I could see they were overwhelmed. I told them I had found a good place to get empanadas and I would go get some because everyone was hungry. Eric went with me, and as I was driving there, I prayed that God would help my family because I knew they all felt very alone right then. I did not always discern those key moments, but the more I asked God to help me be there for them in moments like that, the more he helped me. I think God allowed me to feel the responsibility for my little family that day in a marked way. Although I would fail many times, I would never give up. I knew it was my job to protect them both physically and spiritually and to provide for them. That meant not only providing a place to live and food to eat but also provide a model of how to live, how to love, how to forgive, and how to follow God. I realized I could never do this without God’s help.