Making and Keeping Friends

 

Relationships are the source of satisfaction and fulfillment in life. God made us be connected to him and others. There are, however, many ways those connections break down, and when that happens, we cease to enjoy life. Isolation is the result of broken relationships. Loneliness causes people to feel empty, alone, and unwanted. Lonely people crave human contact, but they push people away.

There are principles in John 15 that teach us how to have friends. Nothing in the body of Christ is as important as how we treat each other. What does it matter if our worship is impressive and our services are compelling if our relationships are weak and shallow? The cause of most church problems arises from poor relationships in the church community. This is an area where most churches do poorly.

We bring our dysfunctional ways of relating to each other from home to the church. If someone hurts us, we hold grudges. If we are offended easily, we sideline that person. We expect kindness and friendship to come our way but are often reluctant to give them to others.

The Principle of Sacrifice: "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends" (John 15:12-13). Friendship grows out of sacrifice. True friendship grows out of a sacrificial spirit of generosity.

The Principle of Common Interest: "You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you" (John 15:14-15).

Jesus' words suggest a shared interest because friends have the same outlook. Close friends agree in their hearts. We all need close friends who can share our thoughts and encourage us. We need the healing that often comes when we reveal our feelings to another without fear that our confidence will be broken. There is too often loneliness of the soul in the body of Christ.

The Principle of Promotion: "You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you" (John 15:16). Jesus' desire to help his friends succeed is evident: "I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit." Friends rejoice in each other's successes.

Have you noticed that some people love others so much that they are constantly building them up? They encourage, inspire and connect. You are drawn to them. Others begin the conversation about their troubles and woes, and the whole talk dives into pessimism. Which person are you? Many people in the body of Christ have never reached their potential because no one ever encouraged them. Others would reach heights if only someone said, "You know, you have been on my heart, and I am praying for you. To experience love in your family relationships and with fellow believers is the core evidence that we belong to Christ.

A Compelling Life

 

In my years of working with families, it’s not hard to detect the influence of a father, good or bad, in people’s lives. The presence of a loving father shapes a child’s life in constructive ways that are incredible. A father’s absence leaves a hole that is difficult to fill. I have noticed fear, abandonment, and anger, for example, and have asked about their relationship with their father only to find out there wasn’t any relationship.

My dad made a deep impression on my early life. He taught us to work and the discipline to make our bodies do what they did not want to do. I can remember my father’s voice waking my brother and me up while it was still dark to go to work. It would be a blessing all through life.

My dad included us in his work and life. I remember going in the truck with my dad from the age of two or three. He made long trips hauling gravel to the drilling crews for deep water wells for irrigation. That was before car seats. I used to stand beside my dad in the truck, and when I wanted to sit, he let me sit on a wooden box so I could see. I can remember the smells of the truck, grease, dirt, and smells from the engine. And if I got too tired, I had everything I needed to sack out on the seat with my head near my dad.

I grew up feeling very secure and valued by my mother and father. I certainly felt very safe in my father’s presence. My dad was fun to be with, even if we were working. He was very affirming and encouraging. When we were small, my dad clarified the boundaries, and we knew the consequences of violating them. Most of all, my dad passed on to me his faith: his actions, as much as his words, were most influential.

The Apostle Peter later in his life gave fathers some excellent advice (1 Pet 5:2-7). He tells us to be servants, not lording it over our families, not greedy, but eager to serve in humility—this is a description of a father who will impact those little lives in incredible ways.

What matters as a father is that we stay clear of sin and overcome any bad habits. If we don't, we will mess up our lives and the entire family. Peter describes a man willing to own his mistakes and show grace to his family. I had that kind of father, and his influence still lives in my life today even though he is gone.