The Apostle Paul tells parents not to exasperate their kids: “Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). Literally, it means not to provoke your children into anger. Parents can do that in several ways. Parents can be unreasonable. Some parents ask things beyond the child’s capability or make demands that frustration becomes inevitable. When children relate their acceptance to their performance, they develop problems. If they are compared with others, their self-esteem will be stunted. Having perfectionistic parents is unreasonable because a child will never be able to meet the parents’ expectations.
Critical parents who find fault can also exasperate their children. When your child feels loved and unconditionally accepted for being himself, regardless of how he measures up to external standards, he will have less defensive behavior. However, suppose your child experiences only conditional acceptance and feels compelled to measure up. In that case, he will have a fragile self-esteem. The low self-esteem will affect his thinking and undermine his self-confidence.
If disappointed with your child, you may react by withholding affection. She views your actions as highlighting her worthlessness. On the other hand, if you state that you are disappointed in her behavior but affirm your love for her, she will feel secure. Every child desperately needs to know that consequences for unacceptable behavior are necessary. Still, her behavior will never diminish your unconditional love.
Parents can exasperate their children by neglecting them. Never was a child more neglected than Absalom. He wanted his father’s attention and approval but never got it. Absalom had fled from home after he killed his older brother Amnon for raping his sister. David never dealt with the situation but neglected it. Absalom was asked to come home after several years, hoping to see his father, but it still did not happen. Not until he set General Joab’s field on fire did he get someone’s attention. Then, he finally got to see his father. Neglect makes kids set fires emotionally and every other way.
If we will raise our children in God’s way, we must recognize humanity’s inherent sinfulness. Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9).
The world tells us that we are good and that human nature is improving, which is the exact opposite of what the scriptures teach. The Bible says that our nature, left alone, is beyond cure. The world tells us that all you need to do to raise good, obedient children is build their self-esteem—this is your number one task of parenting. That is important, but it must be built with discipline and respect—respect for you, the parent, and respect for God.
Bob Russell writes about his mother:
When I was a
teenager my mother had a rule: Don't ever bring your girlfriend to our house
when no one is here. And I'd always say, "Mom, why? Don't you trust
me?" And she always had the same standard answer. "No. That's too
much temptation." She did not say, "It looks bad to other people. I
don't trust her; I do trust you." She said, "No, that's too much
temptation." I would act like I was really hurt. My own mother doesn't
trust me. That's terrible. I'd walk away and deep inside I would think, My
mother's pretty sharp. She knows what I'm thinking. My mother believed in the sin
nature--that it needed to be restrained more than my self-esteem needed to be
boosted. Otherwise maybe I wouldn't be here today.[i]
[i] Bob
Russell, When Teens Rebel, Preaching Today Tap #207.
