As a pastor I have a keen interest in helping young parents enjoy the
parenting years. Those little ones will grow up so fast and be gone before you
realize it. However, when a young couple is struggling with financial
challenges, marital confrontations, and of course, the daunting tasking of
parenting small children, they can sometimes feel overwhelmed. At times parents
can feel they are doing something wrong and that nothing seems to be going
right. I would like to offer a suggestion that the most important work in a
family is the work of connecting. When mom and dad have a good connection, then
it is easier to develop good connections with each child.
Research indicates that kids respond positively to their parents when
there is acceptance and clear rules with supervision. This kind of relationship
produces in the child a higher self-concept, academic competence and the development
of autonomy. Research invariable underscores the importance of how much better
off kids do in future life adjustment when they grow up in a home where
parents model good self-regulation and conflict resolution and truly help their
children feel accepted.[i]
When
Marilyn and I left our two-year-old son, Eric, in his first day care in Costa
Rica, he cried his eyes out. The second day I took him, I was expecting the
same scene. However, to my surprise when we reached the gate, he looked around
and spotted one person he was looking for and took off. I stood there for a
moment and watched as parents brought their children; most of the kids were
running to the same person. She was a plump little lady who was hugging and
squeezing the kids. What was it that made the kids run to her? I noticed other
workers all by themselves with no kids running to them. Over the course of the
year it wasn’t hard to figure out why the kids took to this lady. She had
something to give. She had a certain grace about her that made a love
connection with each child. That love connection is what I am referring to in
the parenting process.
Another
researcher writes about what happens to adolescents when parents make a
connection with them. When they make use
of encouragement, praise, and physical affection, the adolescents tend to
engage less in antisocial behavior and engage in more positive behavior. When
adolescents feel valued, accepted, and loved, they are more inclined to
internalize parental values and accept parents’ rules and attitudes.[ii]
In order to
make connections with our children, we first have to accept them in all their
uniqueness. Sometimes that can be a challenge because personality clashes can
happen between child and parent. Then there are the normal challenges of
parenthood. Christensen and Jacobson
insist that when acceptance comes first, it opens up the way for change.
Acceptance enables a parent to accommodate the needs of each child.[iii]
[i] Putnick, D.,
Bornstein, M., Hendricks, C., Painter, K., Suwalsky, J., & Collins, A.
(2008). Parenting stress, perceived parenting behaviors, and adolescent
self-concept in European American families. Journal
of Family Psychology, 22(5), 752-762.
doi: 10.1037/a0013177
[ii] Wang, M.,
Dishion, T., Stormshak, E., & Willett, J. (2011). Trajectories of family
management
practices
and early adolescent behavioral outcomes. Developmental Psychology, 47(5), 1324-1341. doi:
10.1037/a0024026
[iii] Christensen,
A., Jacobson, N. S. (1999-10-06). Reconcilable
Differences (pp. 11-12).
Guilford
Publications. Kindle Edition.
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