From a very early age, we need to learn to understand our emotions so we
can learn how to control them. If, for example, a father tells his little son
to wipe those tears away because real men don’t cry—the little boy will have
trouble understanding his emotions. A little girl who screams and kicks, to
which her mother quickly responds by giving her whatever she wants so she will
stop, will also not learn to control her emotions.
Consider Samantha who grew up in an authoritarian home where her father spoke forcefully, showed little affection and had
strict rules. His rules, such as, “No talking at the
dinner table,” took the
fun out of life. When she broke the
rules, he reacted quickly with angry words that made her feel afraid.
Samantha’s father threatened her, causing her to fear him. He resembled a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde who had two completely different personalities and was like a
volcano on the verge
of eruption. Samantha always wondered
how he could act like a tyrant at home, yet be kind to a stranger. The only
place she always felt completely comfortable was the home of her aunt and
uncle, so she would go there as often as she could. Unfortunately, Samantha’s
fears followed her into her adult years, undermining her self-confidence.
Loren grew up in a home with permissive parents with few boundaries that
left her without a sense of security.
Because her father was an alcoholic, she was not able to have a close
relationship with him. Although Loren
never found the best role model in her mother or father, she did find it in a
neighboring family where she spent most of her time. Because she saw constant conflict between her mother and father, she
quickly learned to avoid hostile situations by running away from them. She learned
to deal with conflict by avoiding it. Growing up with no boundaries contributed
to her experiencing extremely painful and shameful encounters. The shame followed her into adulthood and
became a major adversary.
Although dissimilar, these two examples have
shame in common. Both children grew
up under reactive parenting. The first child had an over-controlling parent, and the second had an
under-controlling parent.[1] The over-controlling parent often causes his
child to hold his emotions in, while the under-controlling parent causes her
child to act out her emotions. However, neither child knew how to identify
shame in their lives, and, even worse, they didn’t know how to get rid of it.
Because neither set of parents were emotionally available, both children found
some other person with whom to connect.
What every child longs for is to be loved unconditionally and accepted
simply for being himself, regardless of how he measures up to external
standards, and doing this will give him a higher self-esteem. If a parent
withholds their affection from a child because they are disappointed with the
child’s behavior, the child will come to see himself as worthlessness and will
feel insecure.
The remedy for shame is for parents to try to resolve the conflicts and
confusion that arise for the child in the family. Children need us to teach
them the dangers of envy, greed, selfish-ambition and power. The best way to do
that is to teach them the biblical values of love, joy, peace, and faithfulness
among others. God’s way doesn’t come naturally; in fact it is unnatural to our
sinful nature and our sinful world.
However, unless we live and teach God’s way to our children, they will
never know the person God meant them to be. We do this by making deposits into
their lives of our faith, character, love and forgiveness.
I slid my card into the ATM machine and then punched the corresponding
numbers. Suddenly, fresh, crisp bills came out.
I picked them up and placed them in my wallet. Then I reached down and
grabbed my three-year-old son’s hand and headed for my car. As we walked, his little mind was thinking
about what he had just seen. It was the
first time he had ever seen an ATM machine, and because I was in a hurry, I
hadn’t noticed his curiosity. By the
time we reached the car and drove away, he said to me: “Daddy, you know I have
some money in my piggy bank. What do you
say we put our money together and buy one of those machines?” It was a great moment I have always
treasured. However, I took the
opportunity to teach my small son about the basic concept of banking, which has
some real similarities to life. If we
want to make withdrawals, we have to make deposits. The only way our children will understand the
significance of their lives is if we deposit the truth about who God is and who
we are. Good parenting is about
depositing the spiritual principles of God’s Word in our children so that when
life demands withdrawals, they have some answers. It is the real remedy for
shame. If we make enough deposits of love through an authentic parental model,
our children will overcome shame and develop a healthy sense of self-confidence.
[1] Van den Akker, Alithe, Maja Dkovic, Rebecca Shiner,
Jessica Asscher, & Peter Prinzie, “Personality types in childhood:
Relations to latent trajectory classes of problem behavior and overreactive
parenting across the transition into adolescence,” Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 104, no.4 (2013):
750-764. doi:10.1037/a0031184
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